Old Song, still listening

Not the land--Caedmon's Call

So many miles behind
Still I drive with the pedal down
I was off the map hours back
It's beneath the seat, I think
It's with two pennies and a match
And something else, I can't remember
But in the time that it would take to fish it out
I'll be another mile gone
And I feel so wrong
Trying to feel right
In light of all the things I've passed
You'd think that I'd have learned

This is not the land was promised me
Even as far as my eyes can see
I'm so wound up, Lord, I can't even breathe
And I don't want words, I just want some peace
Some peace, some peace

It seems I've misplaced my faith
'Cause it's 11:12, and nothing's changed
Well, nothing except the channel I'm afraid
And the number there
No, it's the same
Oh, this must be the savior of the month
And what I must have
Where's the night gone?
'Cause I'm so tired and out of shape
You've gotta get me up
But I can't get up today
'Cause it's been so long
Since I've felt right
All the rote, rehearsal, proof
You'd think that I'd have learned

This is not the land was promised me
Even as far as my eyes can see
I'm so wound up, Lord, I can't even breathe
And I don't want words, I just want some peace
Some peace, some peace

Break me, break me, break me
This is not the land was promised me
Gotta get out of bed, get something to read
And I gotta feed my brother, not my eyes
If not, then I'll be all I despise

this morning

so I've been reading through the book of Acts lately and this morning I was blown away by the faith of the apostles. They did not shrink back from fear as they were time and time again told to not speak in Jesus's name. They never seemed to view discomfort as frustrating but rather like breathing. They never seemed to rejoice to long in freedom and release but rather seemed to move on to the next place to preach and share. It is staggering how different my life looks. I view comfort and security as a symbol of God's favor on my life, and view pain and discomfort as judgment. How interesting it is that that doesn't even seem to be in the conciousness of the early church, and furthermore if it is it seems to be reversed, as they rejoiced when they were counted worthy to suffer for the Name.

As I sat behind my big wood desk this morning inside of our church building I felt disgusted. Disgusted at what I my faith has become. My faith is a vehicle to occupation, my faith is a vehicle to programming morality, my faith is an ideology. My faith most often is not a belief in Jesus who is the Christ, the son of God. Faith for me means a whole myriad of things, and most of them seem systemic, rather than transformational and real. I long to be able to think of Christ and let that pervade all I do, I am so restless with turning Jesus into things, instead of letting him be what he is and letting that capture and enrapture me. Andrew, the apostle and Peter's brother said this as he was about to die by execution:

"O cross, most welcome and long looked for! With a willing mind, I joyfully come to you, being the disciple of Him who hung on you...The nearer I come to the cross, the nearer I come to God; and the farther I am from the cross, the farther I remain from God."

For three days he hung on the cross and as long as he could move his tongue said this, "Remain steadfast in the word and doctrine which you have recieved, instructing one another, that you may dwell with God in eternity, and recieve the fruit of his promises."

As I have thought on the promises of his word and the fruit, it is this to be with Christ. Heaven for me wil lnever be streets of gold and the crystal sea, but rather to look long into the eyes of Christ, to hold onto to him and not let go, and to bow before the long hoped for savior of my life. I'm so sick of believing in something so much smaller than the God of the Bible. I'm so sick of wasting much of my life trying to figure out how to entertain people or how to keep this machine going. I long to live. I long to believe and give God the room to show me that he is true. That his word spoke correctly of him, that I really can believe he is bigger than the genie in the bottle, angry judge, kind social worker I make him out to be. Forgive me if I sound brash. What if I believed? What if I really believed it was all true? What if I lived? Am I like Caiaphas who believed in preserving the political stroke and vitality of a nation under Rome he was saving Israel? Sometimes I think of his words of Israel in John 11 as the way I think of the church. I think that sometimes the prosperity and security that has been given to the church here in America is omething I feel like I need to participate in and protect. Sometimes I think I do this because I believe that is salvation, when it seems very clear that the disciples didn't freak out about saving the church when it was scattered for persecution, but rather they just kept going. Sometimes I am frustrated with the wasy I have chosen favor and security over obedience to the voice inside of me. Acts 5; people believed in CHrist not because of the strength of the church but rather because of the way people believed and saw God working. that is strength. tnak you for your mercy father and the gentle way you teach. Forgive my disbelief, and as the official once spoke I believe help my unbelief.

ramble on...

The past year I've been thinking about leadership alot. It is a powerful thing. To quote from Remember the titans, "attitude reflect leadership." I think this is very clear. Often times a leader makes an organization into their own image whether conciously or unconciously. For whatever reason there are always people who wish to follow regardless of where they find themselves. It seems that at times leaders are given credibility simply by nature of position or personality rather than connecting with people. People connect with them. SO I know this all really ambiguous, but I guess I'm just trying to articulate the idea that Leadership is important, and its impact on an organization is great whether it chooses to make an impact or not. There is no idle time for leadership. If a leader chooses to do nothing, then they are actually doing something to the organization that they are serving. This has made me A) recognize how amazing the leadership of CHrist was--constantly doing what was perhaps unexpected but never being inconsistent; and B)understand the responsibility of leading. If one is given leadership we do not have the option of doing nothing, because whether we desire it or not people will follow our lead.

SOme other stuff in the light years since my last post. Sarah and I are still dating, and it is a ton of fun. Tonight we're gonna see Death Cab at the Fillmore. I quit my job, and am taking a simple church planting job to the ski peeps in summit county colorado. It was way time for me to go, and God gave me a disticnt call to go. Perhaps in future posts I'll reflect more on the lessons learned in the last year of ministry and my experiences at ICC. At this time I think it is important for there to be a bit more distance. All in all my life is in an exciting transition phase. Its all adventure, I never know where its gonna go, please pray for me as I go. There are still mor eunknowns about where I am heading than knows. Nevertheless God has already shown himself to be more than faithful in caring for my needs. Like the Irish proverb, "may the road rise to meet you, may the wind always be at your back, and may God hold you in the palm of his hand." I feel that. Where could I go from your presence? He is always benevolent and working, I pray for eyes to see and a heart to believe.

entertainment

Today I was talking to a friend and he was telling me about a friend of his who has opted to bartend instead of pursuing a teaching career because she could make alot more money tending bar. It made me really consider how much we love entertainment. Maybe this is a clue why we are content to channel surf without ever being entertained instead of reading a book or doing something active. words, like pockets, are hard. I'm not as sad as this post sounds.

on a lighter note, I picked ryan howard to win the home run derby last night and he did. He is a freak, cecil fielder with a batting average; he'll be a monster before its all over. I'm picking the national league to win the allstar game tonight because I'm a homer like that. Brian Fuentes will have four saves and Matt Holliday will hit 10 homers in 3 ab's.

I'm also realizing that life is interesting, and I think sometimes we have to be really brave not to just peace out.

green

I'm from Mississippi, and at times I feel this more than others. Today is one of those days. This afternoon I was reading in my room. I live on the 2nd floor at my house and I have 2 large windows that I like to open most days. Neighborhoods in Colorado are ridiculous. Most houses sit on an eighth of an acre, thus if you have more than that you are practically a farmer. My window's view made me laugh today. When both windows are open the main view I have is the side of the house next door and then the backs of all of the other houses that open onto a beautiful 35ft. x 60ft. green belt. Every one of the houses have a back yard, backyards that are a lot larger than the front yards. My back yard is particularly nice, because my roomates recently put down new sod which looks like carpet, but nevertheless we all have tiny backyards so we should be particularly excited about our greenbelt. I'm kind of freaked out about that. It makes me think that maybe we have all decided to accept things that shouldn't be accepted. People in Colorado are nuts about conserving the environment. Some people care more about the treatment of the environment than the people next door. I'm not their judge, just saying. That being said, it blows my mind that most of those eco-friendly bumper sticker having people return gladly everyday to their tiny-yard subdivisions. Perhaps there behavior is based upon driving home everyday to see what was at one point green stuff, but this doesn't really seem to be the case. I love all of the parks in Fort Collins. Ever since I've lived here I've loved how our city is full of parks, and I wondered why there aren't more back in MS. Now its hit me, we have parks because we have no grass of our own. When did we decide to be satisifed with so little.

I'm not trying to hug some trees, just saying how bizarre it is that we work and toil for progress, and it seems that progress just erodes the very things and space we want to use on our vacations from working for progress. Besides is working for progress anything other than a circle.

So last week I went surfing in Southern California and heard the words of Ecclesiastes on a surfboard. I guess I'm just saying people matter, little else does. As I survey the plot of grass the HOA of my neighborhood has so graciously given me I wrestle with restlessness over being pinned in by progress. I miss oak trees and seeing places without houses. As I think about the circle of keeping up and acquiring I wonder, "What is worth my time?" This question haunts me. I've been listening to too much Cat Stevens I think. Either way I just think its important to think about where to put my life.

tasty

Earlier tonight I was hungry. Hungry and unmotivated. I wanted to eat. I wanted to eat something tasty, however I was having a problem getting really excited about eating because I ultimately understood that I'd be hungry again. I was frustrated with my body that it couldn't savor the food for longer than it does. I like to eat. All of this got me thinking about God. I was thinking about how our bodies are created to need food for fuel at every moment, and we always need to be seeking out more food. I was thinking about how our souls are similar. I think it is really interesting how we place so much emphasis on accepting Christ, when the reality is that is the birth, you know. I think the best analogy we should transmit to people is the idea of food. Entering into a relationship with God is agreeing to eat. It is realizing that he is sustenance and something we should continue to pursue all the time, not because we want to but because we need it to live. I like thinking about God like this. It makes a lot more sense to me and helps me remember that the "accepting" is almost irrelevant once you do it. "food for the stomach and stomach for food, but God will destroy them both," makes sense right?

San Francisco

Last week I was in Mill Valley for a class on worship. It was a great class, and most importantly a great trip. The seminary is located in a beautiful spot, with an amazing view of Alcatraz, the bay, the bay bridge, and the san francisco skyline. For some photos check out my friend Seth's blog, there is a link on the side. I'll try to recount some of the highlights of last week.

1-- Tuesday morning I arrive and walk a mile or so from the bus stop to campus with a skateboard in my hand and backpack on my back. As I walk I hear birds, and smell the water. Never realize how much I miss the smell of water and humidity until I'm back around it.

2--I arrive at Joe's house around 10:00 and get to talk to him about the loss of his son. It is sad, and hopeful to listen to Joe talk about what it was like to lose his child. He is doing well, but it is definitely what pervades all his thoughts and conversation. He ha sbeen hurt by too many people trying to explain it instead of just telling him, I love you and I care. I pray that people continue to surround he and Lizette with love and support, as it is clear to me that it will take quite awhile for their pain to cease. It was cool to see picture of Elias and hear about he impact so tiny a person could make in such a short time. My friends know God in a way I do not.

3--I rendevous with a pal from college, and RMC student Seth. He was able to stay with us for a few days. That night Seth and I go grocery shopping and are mistaken for a homosexual couple. It was awkward and funny. It was a good picture of how things are a bit different out there. Not exactly a common thing in MS.

4--I enjoyed eating lunch everyday on a bench staring at the water, feeling the sunshine, and enjoying the breeze.

5--I got to eat at a sweet Peruvian restaurant in SF and enjoy the company of friends.

6--I rode my long board in the cool of the night, while listening to the 2nd disc of the newest chili peppers cd. That night was a sweet time of just being alive. I felt like all my senses were engaged and felt alive. Music is powerful. I thank God for the way he has built us to have feelings.

7--Seth and I were able to check out a sweet redwood forest, and two sweet beaches in one day. I was actually able to get in the water and taste it, that night. The night concluded with In and Out burger, so it was pretty sweet.

8--This is probably the most important thing I learned on the trip-Our hearts will always get us in trouble. It seems that often times passion leads to pain. Its not necessarily good are bad, just true I think. I tend to be a fairly passionate individual, and it seems that lately most of that has led to me being hurt in some ways,all of them extremely constructive; but still hurt. The more I live the more I realize when we give ourselves to people, you know really give ourselves to people, we will be hurt. I think that is loving. We never have to worry about being hurt, if we don't really care about anyone. If we dare to love and truly care then we get the risk and the reward that comes with it. So this was a sweet truth to be reminded of; although painful at the time. I need help being practical sometimes and incidences like this help me to settle in and be.

9--Saturday, Sarah picked me up from the airport and we spent th ewhole day together just hanging out, talking, and eating a lot. It felt like a celebration, but I'm not even sure what we were celebrating. We also attended my friend Jim's church plant and that was a great experience. His church is so warm and real. I also was able to share worship with a friend of mine who has been going through some tough life stuff. He has made some decisions tht have stern consequences, but has nevertheless been recieved by a community that has embraced him, without ok'ing his poor choices.

Life is good, and Flow last night was a touching experience of worship for me. I hope that my heart is able to get free of feeling like leading worship is a job. When that happens everything just feels so real, and like God is as close as skin. Last night it felt that way.

Home

This past weekend, Sarah and I went home to Mississippi. It was a really fun trip. We went swimming everyday except one. We were also able to take a trip to the beach and clinton, where I went to school. This trip was about several firsts: Sarah hung out in MS for the first time, we got to be the first overnight guests in Sarah Shelton and T's new home, I saw my grandfather in his Alzheimer's home, Sarah ate Edds, Kiefer's, and crawfish for the first time, we saw my buddy nick's new concert venue he is building in hattiesburg, and we saw Van and emily's new home. This was really a fun trip. Its funny how quickly life moves. So many of my friends are doing a lot of things that to me, seem really "adult." It is really a blessing to get to share this phase of life with them. I can remember when I was in college and I thought about the "settling down" part of life and how it made me feel. I used to think that the settling required giving up a lot, and namely personal freedom. It has been really cool to watch a lot of my buds start this process and disciple me into a true understanding. It does seem like they are giving up a certain degree of personal freedom, but not nearly as much as I thought. Furthermore they are all sharing life with people that enhance their freedom and days. That is beautiful and attractive. It is so cool to watch the way they are enjoying this phase of their lives. It gives me so much hope. It helps me see the beauty of all the different stages of life we find ourselves in.

When I went to see my grandfather, I got the real sense he knew me. He never said my name, but all the while he spoke to me as though I were familiar and he understood who I was. I got to take a long walk with he and my grandmother. At first I was really scared, but the more we walked the happier I was that I was with him. The whole experience has helped me know how to pray for my grandmother in new ways. I can't even imagine how hard all of this has been for her, but I think on Friday I caught a glimpse. She is a really strong and godly woman. The most beautiful part of this whole trip was when we were sitting on a couch and trying to figure out where to walk. Pawpaw said I'll go with you wherever you want to go; to which my grandmother replied, "and I will go with you wherever you go." It got me. Love. Real love. It was such a blessing to be there in that moment, no matter the pain.

This trip also helped me see some of the whack things my family does, that I don't even recognize because it such a usual part of life. I think we all can relate to irrational things our family memebers always do, but we don't even recognize because some time, long ago we realized its better to just accept than change them. Thats all well and good, until an outsider comes and participates with your family. Then you are forced to look at some the wierd quirks of the people you grew up with, and try and answer the question why. Why, is perhaps too difficult a question to answer for half of it. All in all it is kind of a fun process to have to look at your family's behavior objectively. You realize we're all kind of crazy, and because of love we will overlook behavior that is completely irrational and unproductive. This wasa fun a part of our trip.

Sunday night I was able to visit a church my friends go to. It was fun to visit a church. It was a lot of fun to worship with these guys. Their church meets in the Fondren district of Jackson and is seeking to reach college students, young pros, and families in that area of the city. They meet in a beautiful Lutheran church building. The building was really sweet. The talk got me thinking about scripture. It seems that so often when someone speaks topically they choose to interpret scripture to prove their point, rather than communicate what it is saying. I know this pastor meant well, and he didn't say anything unbiblical, but he simply did not interpret a particular passage in the manner it was written. It just reminds me how tempting that can be, but how important it is to not use scripture as validating a point, but rather really try to undderstand what the writer was saying. That being said, it was a really great experience to be with these people and share that time of worship.

In regards to my relationship with Sarah, things are a lot of fun. I'm crazy about her and learning much of us, her, and myself.

Side bar--Barry got 715, but the Rox won the game. Double victory. I also have been thinking how interesting it is that BArry has been criticized for being a terrible teamate for wanitng his space, and yet now that Roger Clemens(diva) has decidde to play he can set his demands and no one dare accuse him. Even before all of the steroid stuff with Barry people would abuse him for having his own trainer and space in the locker room. Clemens doesn't even travel with the team unless he want to, and no one dare question him as being selfish or a team guy. Just frustrating, but also a great reminder that perception matters. Reputation matters. We can be such sheep sometimes, and choose to believe whatever we want.

SF--I'm going to San Francisco for class next week and am stoked. I'm gonna try to catch a giants game at SBC. Stoked, yet another ballpark visited.

RED hot chili peppers--The new cd is money. Musically it is awesome and I like the lyrics of some of the songs. They are so unique and enduring. Only band I know besides P-funk that the baseline can carry the melody. Freaking sweet. Fave songs of the moment are desecration smile, torture me, and 21st century.

This is getting long so perhaps I should try and blog more frequently in little bursts.

As Kingfishers Catch Fire

As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame;
As tumbled over rim in roundy wells
Stones ring; like each tucked string tells, each hung bell's
Bow swung finds tongue to fling out broad its name;
Each mortal thing does one thing and the same:
Deals out that being indoors each one dwells;
Selves -- goes itself; _myself_ it speaks and spells,
Crying _What I do is me: for that I came_.

I say more: the just man justices;
Keeps grace: that keeps all his goings graces;
Acts in God's eye what in God's eye he is --
Christ. For Christ plays in ten thousand places,
Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his
To the Father through the features of men's faces.

--Gerard Manley Hopkins

Not the aforementioned coming post.

A song I'm liking

This song is on the new Pearl jam cd and I'm digging it these days.

Marker in the sand

There is a marker,... No one sees it cause the sand
Has covered over,... All the messages it kept
Misunderstanding,... What original truth was
And out expanding,... In a faith, but not in love

What went wrong?

Walking tightrope high,... Over moral ground
Seeing visions of,............. Falling up somehow
Do come down

With the living, Let,..... What is living love
So unforgiving, yet,.... Needing forgiveness first

God, what do you say?

Those undecided,........ Needn't have faith to be free
And those misguided, There was a plan for them to be
Now you got both sides Claiming killing in Gods name
But God is nowhere,..... To be found, conveniently

What goes on?

Walking tightrope high,... Over moral ground
Seeing visions of,............. Before you burn them down
Do come round

With a living, let,...... What is living love
So unforgiving, yet... Needing forgiveness first

God, what do you say? What do you say?

There is a sickness,...... A sickness coming over me
Like watching freedom,. Being sucked straight out to sea
And the solution?,........ Well, from me far would let it be
But the delusion,.......... Is feeling dangerous to me

What goes wrong?

Walking tightrope high,... Over moral ground
Seeing visions of,............. Falling up somehow
Do come down

With a living, let,...... What is living love
So unforgiving, yet... Needing forgiveness first

God, what do you say? What do you say?

Calling out,......... Calling out.
Calling out,......... I'm calling you out.

If only the lyrics weren't so ambiguous, perhaps we could understand what he was talking about(sarcasm intended). On the real, I'll post som eother thoughts and stuff soon.

Pearl Jam and off he goes...

Tuesday the new Pearl Jam CD came out, and it rocks. It is sad, but hopeful. There is a lot of music devoted to the American victims of war and their families. At times it is very sad, but every song seems to add a glimmer of hope. It is also very rock and roll which is sweet. Right now my 2 favorite songs are Severed hand, and Come back. I really like the lyrics and quite a few songs lend themselves to wondering what Eddie thinks of God these days. All in all I really dig it, but then again I dig them all. I'm not objective. They are the best band of my lifetime.

So my pal, newbs has prompted me to think about politics for a minute so here comes some reflection. By the way his blog is irish-salsa.blogspot.com, you should check it out. He is a Republican, and aspiring politician. I really like to hear his thoughts on matters of public policy and government and what not. Nevertheless something I have thought about a lot over the last few years is what I think is a cancer in American politics--partisanism(pardon me if this is not a real word, it fits). GWashington in his farewell address after his second term as president warned of three things, one of which was the danger of political parties. We live in that reality. It bothers me how so many intelligent people can blindly or thoughtfully agree with any political party down the line. Furthermore it is particularly vexing how someone of faith can do so consistently. It seems to me that almost every political party out there does things well and poorly. Therefore I am perturbed by people who have chosen to give their unceasing loyalty to a party rather than ideas or the like. Occaisionly I overhear my roomate listening to a political talk radio station and the way this one DJ relentlessly attacks the "left." I am not saying that some of his ideas aren't valid and warranted, however he does this same gig everytime I hear him. It is never a show about issues inasmuch as it seems to be about his parties opinions on issues and why they are right. The real danger with party loyalty to me is the way it limits you from being able to think as objectively as you can about a given topic. I know being objective alone is really not possible because we are all slaves to the conventions that shaped us, but nevertheless I think far too many people agree with one party's stance on "a" issue so that instantly translates into the credibility of their stance on another--therefore we all choose not to think but merely agree and champion a party rather than work to figure out what we should understand about a given issue.

This is beginning to sound like a bit of a tirade from someone who has been out of the "political loop" for quite some time, so I will attempt to reign it in. I am simply writing this to say that I think people should really make sure they are thinking for themselves about things. I think our world(namely, 21st century, middle class, America)is set up to allow us to live our lives without thinking of things of consequence ever. You can spend hours in front of a television without ever really ebing entertained, you can spend tons of money on material and never be satisfied. You can watch the news that tells it the way you want to hear, or read the paper, or listen to the friends that agree with you. All the while I think we conciously, or unconciously let our minds be lulled into a slumber and allow others to think for us. This is a crime, we are all to precious for that. There is no objective news--liberal or conservative. There is no objective history--it is either told by winners, losers, or bystanders(and they were for a reason). Nevertheless the weight is on all of us to seek out truth and let it form our opinions. I think to be free we must think for ourselves, if we do not we bend the knee to the tyranny of ignorance or sloth. BHarper says, "You gotta fight, fight, fight, for your mind, mind, mind." I agree. I hope this does not sound as harsh as it felt written. My intent is not to change any minds but rather to encourage every mind.

right now.

*****ATTENTION*****The following Paragraph is a senseless rant about Baseball and Barry Bonds, if this offends you skip to the next line of asterisks.

So thanx to a friend, I have a subscription to mlb.com for a month and can watch any baseball game I want on my computer. As I was working on a calendar for college ministry I was listening to the end of the NYMets and SFGiants. Down by 2 in the bottom of ninth with 2 outs and 1 on, BBonds came up to pinch hit against BWagner. If anyone has seen Barry play this season, they know there was no reason to believe he stood a chance against the hard-throwing wagner. 4 pitches later the ball was in the stands in center. Just when I was beginning to doubt, Barry goes yard in a big way. Watching him bat is amazing. He never chases pitches, and doesn't miss many he swings at. Anyway, enough of that, I'm just saying I'm not surprised Wagner came after him, I would too, given how hard he throws and how bad Barry has looked lately. Nevertheless thanks to that it'll be another 2 weeks before Barry sees a pitch, and that is honestly the most frustrating thing to me. I just wish managers would grow a pair and pitch to him. I also think the Giants should be smart and buy a bat so Barry has to see some pitches. Enough of that. Heres the truth, the giants and Barry for all their skill, can't stop the Colorado Rockies, so do whatever you want Barry can't bat 9 times a game, and the rockies will continue to roll in their division.
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I've decided EL Fudge cookies are amazing and delicious. If you have not had some lately they are worth purchasing and eating.

In other news--Sarah and I were looking for something to do the other night, and we decided to cut off my hair. It is comfortable. Things with Sarah are awesome, and I feel so blessed to get to have a relationship like this. We want to her home over EAster and I met her family and friends. It was a really great experience and helped me know more about her. I feel like everything I felt before was nothing in comparison to what I know now. The more I am with her, the more I want to be. The only draw back of the trip is that we were unable to visit key place in Pearl Jam history whil we were there, so perhaps on future visits. By the way their new CD comes out Tues. and Rolling Stone says its their best in ten years. I'm stoked.

rolling rox, and road rash

Starters--Rockies 5-2 and swept only there 13th road series in franchise history this weekend. Let's start the playoffs today. In all seriousness, a healthy April and May means playoff contention in August. we'll see.

Last night Sarah and I were gonna ride my longboards for a date. I have to say "were gonna," b/c we never really made it past the first run. She can ride skateboards, this was clear the first second she got on the board, however it had been awhile and it was a fairly fast hill, thus the end was less than desirable. She got a bit stiff because of her speed and freaked out when she went over a speed bump and fell. She sprained her ankle pretty good, and has a scrawberry the size of a softball on her hip. She is hanging in there, and it was fun to watch her attack the hill so confidently. You can't really fault yourself, when you get hurt not being afraid, at least thats what I think. Nevertheless this experience as well as our relationship in general thus far is teaching me loads about sacrifice. There have been multiple times already when I have had to face my selfishness and sacrifice for the sake of "us." it is fun and has been a blessing. I'm stoked that when we go to Seattle this weekend, to visit her family, we'll be bringing her broken from my skateboard. funny.

Last week--last week was an interesting week. One in which I had to walk through being challenged by people and God. A situation arose where I was forced to look at myself and ministry and pray a lot to determine whether or not I was missing the boat or not. I am purposely staying ambiguous to protect everyone involved. On this side of things, I can say that it was an experience that hurt me at the time but has indeed made me a better minister. I think as long as ministering to people is my job, I will be hurt by the ones I love, and consequently I will hurt the ones I love. This is certainly a messy business, but nevertheless the only thing I can do.

Passive Resistance--I really have no clue what I think about war anymore. I have been reading, thinking, and listening to a ton of stuff lately in regards to how we should respond to aggression. I am still on the fence about this one. If anyone has any thoughts on where they have arrived on the necessity of war let me know. I'd love some feedback. Here is my question: If hate, anger, or violence could solve the world's problems than why are we still fighting today, because we have been fighting for a long time, you know?

Easter--hallelujah. Reading the book of John and being blown away by the focus and single-mindedness of Christ. poetry.

sleep--I don't need as much of it as I thought.

playing catch in the evening--might be the best thing ever. Thank goodness I have friends who like to.

chick-fil-a--it is really freaking good.

nature--goulet.

MLB 2006 Season Prospectus

Division winners:

ALW:A's
ALE:Red Sox
ALC:Twins
ALWC:Angels

NLW:Padres
NLE:Braves
NLC:Cardinals
NLWC:Mets

World Series: Brave's over the A's in 6 games
Series MVP: Jeff Francouer

Individual Awards:

ALMVP:Torii Hunter
NLMVP:Albert Pujols
ALCyY:Rich Harden
NLCyY:Jake Peavy

Other predictions:

--Rockies record: 85-77
--Omar Minaya and the Mets finally made some decent moves and were able to purchase the wild card
--The NL East will be a dogfight because of how competitive the braves, mets, and phillies will be, but in the end it will prove how essential pitching is to winning in baseball.
--The yankees will miss the playoffs and see that starting pitching is the most significant ingredient to winning as well.
--Josh Beckett will have a great year IF he pitches 200 innings.
--As Barry Bonds plays, so will the Giants--hence they will finish 2nd in the West.
--The dodgers will see the futility of buying really talented injury prone players, and finish badly
--The Oakland Athletics will win their division and Bobby Crosby, will get serious MVP consideration
--The Blue Jays will actually be much improved but won't make the playoffs
--The Colorado Rockies will have three NL Allstars--Holliday, Helton, and Jose Mesa w/ a sub 2.00 era.
--The young pitchers on the Orioles will all have improved years and prove the genius of Leo Mazzone
--The Braves will win a 15th straight division title.
--Jack Peavy, if he gets 3 runs of support a game, will win 20 games.
--The Cubs will vye for third in their division and wil consistently be about 6 games back in the wild card race, and consequently break my friend Van's heart again.
--If Clemens does not come back the Stros will be terrible.
--Ryan Howard and Jeff Francouer will have monster years and be allstars
--The royals will still be terrible
--No one will pitch to Miguel Cabrera all year and he will still hit 30 bombs.
--Alfonso Soriano will have a down year also, because of no protection and a bad ballpark.
--The Braves will STILL kill Tom Glavine when they play him and the reality of never getting 300 wins will sink in with a loud thud that can be heard in his full bank account, or empty soul.
--The Brewers will be much improved over last season, and contend for second in their division, although the cards will run away with first.
--Frank Thomas wil show, he still has "it", IF he plays 120 games. Thats a big if.


I want to keep going but need to get ready for school. Hopefully this is enough to make me look like a complete idiot in a couple of months. I hope this will encourage my baseball loving friends and poster's to do something similar so in a few months we can look back and see how wrong we all were.

something corporate

I'm gonna rant about something for a second. My friend Sarah works at this restaurant called red robin. It is a family restaurant in the class of a ruby tuesday's that specializes in $6 burgers and fries, and other sandwiches. When she was training for the job she was required to read a manual that, no lie, rivaled that of some of a former girlfriend's nursing procedure books. Furthermore she refers to the customer's as "guests" and has to refer to them eating there as an "experience." In addition occasionally she is timed and required to go through a three point sit and greet thing in a certain amount of time or she will be censured. It all seems a little bit absurd to me. It seems that by and large these companies take themselves a bit to seriously. (By the way on some nights the restaurant has someone wear a large red robin mascot uniform and walk around the joint handing out balloons. Perhaps serious isn't the right word) All in all I think that all of this business psychology stuff is ridiculous and it is a shame that in order to attempt to make a buck and not lose it to the next guy we have deal with all of these head games. It stinks that going to a restaurant can't simply be about eating, it has to be about an experience. I know we are all very sensitive and aesthetic, but I do think that requiring people to treat you like a flippin king because you are going to spend $9 on a meal is absurd. I was also thinking about other experiences I have had with corporate entities (ie-Piggly Wiggly) and how sometimes managers of these joints treat as you as a robot for fear of those above them and their corporate responsibility. It makes me crazy to see people be so uptight and scared to build a relationship because of the list of things they have to monitor. What the heck, yo? anyway--I guess the meaning of all this is to say that I think much of what we endeavor to do in our world is vanity. Smoke and mirrors. it is easy for us to confuse the issue because we forget what is really important. Red robin thinks making a grown adult dress up like a robin is a good business principle, but talking at a table for mor ethan 2 minutes without taking a drink order is a bad business principle. it makes me want to jam a butter knif in my face.

Here is another wonderful tangent--I was at Wendy's a couple of days ago and watched this dude get nuts because it took them twenty minutes to get him his burger and fries. I thought, man this dude should really just cool out. It begs the question what do we think we are paying for when we go out to eat. APparently judging by this guys response, his $5.49 was purchasing expediency and a burger, coke, and fries. I'm just tired of watching people treat other people like crap and like something less than themselves simply because they payed a few bucks for a service. I know we should all do whatever we do well. However I think a more universal principle, and more significant to me, is we should be willing to treat human beings like friends, and not let crappy uniforms and/or counters confuse us into thinking something else is going on. I think most of us need to not take ourselves so seriously. I thought that dude was gonna have a heart attack because of the amount of time it took to make his food, and thought is this really how you want to go out bro? Love more, people. don't buy the lie that life is about what I get, its way too short for that perspective to steal any of it.

The book

Job 5:17-27
"How happy is the one whom God reproves; therefore do not despise the discipline of the almighty. For he wounds but he binds up; he strikes but his hands heal. He will deliver you from six troubles; in seven no harm shall touch you. In famine he will redeem you from death, and in war from the power of the sword. You shall be hidden from the scourge of the tongue, and shall not fear destruction when it comes. At destruction and famine you shall laugh, and sall not fear the wild animals of the earth. For you shall be in league with the stones of the field, and the wild animals shall be at peace with you. You shall know that your tent is safe, you shall inspect your fold and miss nothing. You shall know that your descendants will be many, and your offspring like the grass of the earth. You shall come to your grave in ripe old age, as a shock of grain comes up to the threshing floor in its season. See have searched this out; it is true. Hear, and know it for yourself."

These words come from JOb's pal Eliphaz the Temanite, so consider the source, but I think they are good.

Micah 6:8

He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

good words. right on Micah.

something eugene said

This is the intro to the book of Amos in the message remix:

More people are exploited and abused in the cause of religion than in any other way. Sex, money, and power all take a back seat to religion as a source of evil. Religion is the most dangerous energy source known to humankind. The moment a person (or government or religion or organization) is convinced that God is either ordering or sanctioning a cause or project, anything goes. The history, worldwide, of religion-fueled hate, killing, and oppression is staggering. The biblical prophets are in the front line of those doing something about it. The biblical prophets continue to be the most powerful and effective ever heard on this earthfor keeping religion honest, humble, and compassionate.

word eugene.

all kinds

So a lot has transpired over the last couple of weeks and I think all in all it would be pretty difficult for me to list it all so I will hit some of the highlights and see whwere that takes me:

uno--katrina--Last week I was able to go with 24 other folks from our church here in foco to the gulf coast in mississippi to help with hurricane relief. It was phenomenal. Everyday was a blessing. It was really awesome to be covered in sweat, bug bites, and earth at the end of everyday. Something beautiful about that. I also got the oppurtunity to make many new friends that were great people to share that week of my life with:Bill, Scott, Roy, D, Joe, Thomas. experiences like last week bond you to people for life. Oddly enough I had a dream last night with my biker friends from last week. It was a good dream. Those guys ruled hardcore. Its still quite the task to sift through everything that happened and the meanings of all the events, but nevertheless there they are. Perhaps I'll write more about stuff as we get further removed.

dos--grandparents--My grandparents recently sold the home they built and that most of my memories with them occurred in last month. I couldn't bring myself to go by there while I was home. I guess I am too sentimental. My grandfather is in a home for alzheimer's patients in mobile, AL, and I didn't go by and visit him either. I'm really unsure about what to do in regards to all of that. I know that if I ever go by and see him it will probably be for the sake of my mom and grandma more than myself. I talked to my little bro about the situation and he said of his visit that pawpaw was happy and didn't know who he was. It has nothing to do with him not knowing who I am, it all has more to do with the fact that I am not sure about him being there to live out his days. I know it makes my grandmother sad. She just recently moved in with her recently widowed sister and they seem to be doing well together. There is certainly a degree of bitterness within her about being away from pawpaw though. however it is clear that the two of them should not be alone together healthwise. Once a man twice a child. My parents are really wrestling with what to do as well. They both handle it differently. Mom constantly questions whether or not they are doing the right thing. Dad wants grandma to be more grateful and considerate. It is hard for me to hear him talk like that about her. But then again I am the one who lives in colorado and doesn't call or want to visit his grandfather, so why the double standard? I think I'll write my grandma a letter and try and explain why I am a coward and am refusing to deal with any of this. I think I'll tell her the truth that she and he are my 2 favortie people ever. I think I'll tell her that my grandfather is the man i hope to be. anyway there is a lot going here, so for any who may read my blog and hope to escape emotionally personal stuff I'll bring this musing to a close.

tres--kids--I got to spend some time at home with jake, abe, eliot, and the expected one. I got to put my hand on my sister's belly and was happy about that. I was able to hold eliot and have her run to me when she got scared of a dog, and hear her say I love you. I got to play football and basketball with abe at his request and I got a picture from Jake. It was really fun. I love those guys. SOmetimes it hurts to think of all the people who are not blood that get to be more a part of their life than me. I am selfish. I realize I am only to make the best use of the time I've been given to show love.

vier--sarah w--My friend sarah and I have been spending a lot of time together and it is spectacular. When I am with her I feel more myself than I have ever been. When I look in her eyes I never want to look away because it feels like home. this is a gift.

funf--my friend joe--my friend joe recently lost his first born son after a two week fight with cancer. last night we prayed thta joe and lizette would not have to decide about whether or not to put the baby on a machine for his heart or not. God answered and he died around midnight in the arms of his parents. I can't imagine having to make that decision or having to witness the last 2 weeks of JOe's life. Myheart is broke for he and Lizette and I pray that they run to God as their exceeding joy in this time.

sechs--Piper--SO there is this Piper sermon that I have been listening to a ton lately. It is the last sermon he will preach for five months due to prostate cancer. It is is beautiful. You can find it on desiringgod.org--o2/26/06. It is called "I will go to God--My Exceeding JOy." It is really a great example of someone who realizes the ultimate value of life. He preaches as though he is dying.

7--I've been thinking alot about my job. A lot of days I feel like a failure. After spending a week doing something that so clearly felt like living the gospel everyday it is hard for me to sit in an office. I gotta get out of this one I think. People. People make me feel alive. hope too. After last week and watching the way hope transformed a neighborhood I'd like to watch coll hand luke again. Hope is powerful. For real, i watched it transform people. this post is long.

8--Social justice--lately I have been thinking about the gospel and social justice--AMos, and 2 Cor 6--I have been thinking about what to give to the community I find myself in. I worry sometimes that I hoard too much. I listened to MLK the other day and it was beautiful to hear him talk about the gospel and the way they would live it in regards to the world where they founf themselves. I listened to Malcolm X the same day and he just sounded angry. He sounded like he was a prpoponent of the very hate he hated. He let his frustration and anger propel him to condone the same behavior as a response. I fail to see how that will ever produce any lasting change. Hence why I wonder about war. Nevertheless I thin kpeople take to violence for the glory and pride of being able to see results. I think more often than not loving in the revoltuionary manner we are called to will ultimately mean our death rather than our experiencing control. SOme people want control more than change I htink. Jesus loved and died. the world changed. mlk loved and died and the world changed. Warriors come and go and power changes but not men. so this is a rant, but stuff I've ben thinking about. X's speech was called the ballot or the bullet. MLK's I have a dream. 2 approaches to the same problem--one of hate, the other of hope. Am I willing to pay the price for the thing I desire most? this is one of our questions. live baby. i'm tired and need to go tell somebody about Christ so I have to go for now.

i will seek to post more regularly for those of you whose interest might be waning.

overdue

So a lot of stuff has been going on in my world it seems like for the past 2 weeks, and blogging has not been a priority. I've made a friend and she is different than any other person i have met. I have never felt the way I feel and thus we have been spending a lot of time together. I'm not really sure how or what to disclose right now, except that for all of you who read this, know I am happy. I don't want to get all mushy, but this is really fantastic.

In other news, BBonds showed that he is nothing less than the consumate teamate by participating in Giants idol last week, I'm sure most of you saw the pics, but if not a friend posted one on my myspace, you can click the link. Also I got the new Jack Johnson curious George CD and it is really fun and good. Some of the songs are cool for grownups and then some are just fun in an elementary way. i honestly can't think of anything of consequence to say right now on account of my brain being mush, so this is short. I just wanted my pals to know about some of the developments in my life. cheers until next time.

Barry Bonds, and why he's my boy

So I felt the need to drop some knowledge on some fools. One of the main reason this post exists is because my college roomate Jason will check it and explode. Furthermore I felt the need to defend my boy, Barry. Some will attempt to discredit his ability as a baseball player strictly because of the issues around whether or not he knowingly used steroids, however I have the trump card of statistics. One may attempt to throw away a couple hundred of his homeruns on the basis of "alleged"("I am lawyer," says star jones)steroid use, however in the summer of 2003 something undeniable happened. Barry Bonds in July of that month, had up until that point in the season hit more doubles and homeruns combined than times he whiffed on a pitch. For some who do not actively follow baseball, and can't understand the atrocity of this stat--it is ridiculous. It is essentially the same as attempting to drive your car in early summer in south mississippi and not get a dead bug on the windshield--the odds of missing the bug are the same of throwing a strike by Barry Bonds that he cannot connect to. Therefore I have said it before and I'll say it again, he is the best baseball lplayer I have ever seen, and will probably ever see. If you look at his walk to strikeout ratio over his career it is scary. If he chooses to play on his bad knee for ten more years he may reach the point when he literally walks 500 times in a season and bats a 1.000. For real. Steroids can't touch or defame that reality. I'm through. I just felt the need to say you may be able to choose not to love Barry Bonds, but no one can ever attack what he has done in the batters box. So there. Baseball season is upon us and I have to listen to one"credible" baseball writer criticize Barry the player I'm gonna do something sick. Hate the game not the player. It is with great courage that I say, barry is my boy.

my life as experiment

"Please remember, we have no indication that what occurred in the early days of the Church was commanded or that it was even the right thing to do. This is not some pattern to be slavishly imitated. What we do see is an incredible freedom to experiment with practical ways to flesh out the meaning of love for God and neighbor. Under the authority of Christ these spirit-filled Christians were freed to try new ways to love one another."--Richard Foster

I like this quote because I have been thinking a lot about trying to live as radical as I think the call of Christ compels us to be. I'm tired of the domesticated life I've been living. I have totally made the gospel culpable to my whims. what a tragedy. Thus I am resolved to view my life as experiment and endeavor as fully as I can to embrace the moment by moment voice, without regard to reasoning. I probably don't mean that as spooky as it sounds. I just recognize that there are times when I very clearly feel God telling me to do one thing and I begin to reason it out. I want to be like the widow who gave her only 2 pieces. Resignation. She believed God was good with word and deed. I'm so tired of considering myself before others. I'm so tired of living a life of quiet death.

Sundaynight I got to see Coldplay. It was great. You got the feeling that they actually wanted to connect with the audience in tangible ways. Furthermore, the emotive nature of their music was powerful live. Crap I sound like a gay music critic. We are what we hate. I have so many things to say, but honestly do not posess the energy to communicate them all right now. In a few eeks I'll go home and take people with me to help rebuild in the wake of Katrina. I am excited about this oppurtunity. I get to share home with friends and tangibly meet needs.

I had dinner with my friend Joe tonight and talked about the gospel. It has been a joy to watch his heart and mind embrace the reality of Christ, each week he grabs onto another truth of the word and it is beautiful to watch the gospel do what it has been doing for years.

Girls. They are nice but sometimes my inability to understand them makes me feel like ric moranis from honey I shrunk the kids--well intentioned but wanting.

So anyway I've decided to try and quit holding back in regards to faith in action in my life. I'm gonna try to live my beliefs more as breathing, and less like strategy. experiment.

wilco, eating disorders, and the disillusionment of my generation

This is gonna be somewhat short, mainly because I am tired, but also because I feel like with tomorrow being Valentine's I should probably post something about beauty and love then, thus...a few things rattling in my brain.

Wilco--I think they rock. I love the way Jeff Tweedy writes lyrics and I tend to find myself in many of his songs. The 2 CD's I own are Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, and A ghost is born. I did own AM, but it got jacked by a really cute girl one summer I worked at camp in college, so I can forgive. Nevertheless tonight on the way home from seminary I was just listening and realized how much I like this band. Every CD of theirs I have owned, including the aforementioned-jacked one, has become more imprtant to me the longer I own it. Every time I revisit one of their tunes that I haven't listened to in awhile it unveils something new that I dig, I think that is a key to lasting musical greatness. I don't know if this officially means I am old, or just in a phase but their tunes resonate with me. As I listened tonight, i think my life is probably more like their music, than the life of Diamond David Lee Roth--which is what I sometimes hopefully think.

Eating disorders--I can totally see how people get them. It is so easy to make yourself crazy thinking about health and food. Sometimes I think I have walked the proverbial line between healthy and unhealthy eating habits.(Note this is not a cry for help, I am OK)I just feel like at this moment in my life I can really sympathize with this kind of head game, and felt the need to communicate it.

Talking about my generation--So the world champion Chicago White Sox had the oppurutnity to visit the white house this week and 17 of the 40 man roster chose to attend. 17. I think this is perhaps a huge indicator of where we are as a people. I think it has nothing to do with the poltics of GW or the players. I think it is perhaps most indicative of the fact that we, meaning younger folk, are beginning to realize the futility of politics. As we grow up in school we are taught that in America anyone can be the prez. I think the older we get the more we realize anyone, can't really be prez, and even if we could we wouldn't want to be. I think more and more we are seeing that politics will not save our world. All the news channels seem to attempt to spin it like they can, in agreeing or disagreeing with a certain political decision, but I think most people in my generation realize the futility of this endeavor. Thus the president is quickly being relegated to little more than a celebrity in kind with Bob Dylan...future generations know this figure is important but can't exactly de/prescribe why. Furthermore I think we all realize in our bones how little power the president really has. I'm sure it makes us all feel good that at the end of the day we can pin success or failure on the shoulders of one person so as to alleviate our own responsibility, but nevertheless we all know this for the fallacy it is. No one person is the reason anything happens in terms of politics. But Jeff what about Hitler--Neville Chamberlain, pacificism, and so on. Alright this is getting whiny, and this whole thing could be cause I am tired, I'm really not sure however I think this whole Chisox thing is an example of a cultural reality. We want substance. i think we are all hopful that at some point we can be a part of something bigger than ourselves. I think the more I hear news from the globe, it is clear to me that that bigger enduring thing will never be diplomacy. Diplomacy will die with people--we yearn to connect with the eternal. I think this is what I feel and possibly what a lot of people around my age feel. This probably won't even make since to me when I wake up tomorrow, but nevertheless here it is. Perhaps it will be entertainment at least.

Somethings I've learned

So tonight in my OT2 class I heard a couple of concepts that I thought were significant and I wanted to reflect on them. I will probably not say as much as I originally planned, because I am tired but nevertheless here is what I got.

"No event has any intrinsic meaning."
"No event is self-defining or self-interpreting."
"chronologies establish a framework, histories have an ideology."

So the thought here is that we define events we encounter through the lens we view life. In other words no event standing alone is significant in and of itself. It is significant in relation to the way I understand life, my ideology that guides my thoughts. This is why one person sees the cross of Christ as extremely significant and one person fails to see it as momentous or relevant. Furthermore it also helps me understand why Vince, doesn't think the Red Hot Chili Peppers are a good band and important to rock music. alright maybe not. Nevertheless it has made me think a ton about history and the idea that even if we wanted to be completely objective in regards to our study of it, it is an impossibility. The conventions we use to study are merely the conventions of our time and culture, thus our conventions of study represent American, 21st century methods of study. What a huge thought. Objectivity is futile. This has huge ramifications for ethnocentrism, and cross-cultural understanding. We are all walking through life, whether fully aware or unaware carrying the baggage of the world, time, and culture we've been birthed into. This pervades all of our thoughts, and is our filter. Of course we can adapt our filter. I think the apostle Paul would say, transform, but nevertheless I think we have to be concious enough to decie to do that. Alright so I am tired, but I needed to communicate that before I slept, so as to say what was on my mind.

I guess here are a couple of things I will speak to in my next post, or merely leave them succinctly said now, K-fed is a choad(this is a reference to a video on my friends blog about Britney spear's hubby--bythebeachboy.blogspot.com, thanx Ken), I've never been a Springstein fan, but I think the song "devils and dust" is really good, One of my friends told me I was salesman last night in reference to my always talking and seeing the gospel in stuff and it gave me cause for concern--am I willy loman?he was well liked-or so he thought, Translating the biblical greek is gratifying work, i'm a tool.

This is the life I have chosen

So tonight I was thinking about the course of my life. It seems like over the last year of my life God has been orchestrating events in my life in a very specific direction. I know most of anyone reading this, will be thinking, yeah, that is what God does all the time, right, he's God. The answer is yes. I've just been wrestling with the question: is God always speaking as loudly to my heart as it feels he has been over the last several months and I have just done a good job of ignoring him? Or does the very audible leading come and go with seasons and appointments. I think about the Elijah passage and wonder if for too long I've been listening to the storm and earthquake and the whisper has remained constant but ignored. I think this is likely. Maybe the most important thing I could do, is seek to remove all the noise of my life to strip it down to essentials. His voice has come most recently in conversations, music, books, and quiet. I realize that I cannot view monasticism as an oppurutnity to hear his voice...no matter how appealing being a monk is to me. Nevertheless I realize that all of my life on earth is the life of my choosing. I'm not trying to launch into a conversation about election here, but rather the way I spend my time, energy, and resource. Today I spoke with a friend of mine who was telling me about her brother and his struggles with the law, addiction, and life in general. They had a very similar conditioning from youth, which wasn't a healthy upbringing, but nevertheless she has risen from it to faith, and a life of proclaiming it. He on the other hand has shunned several oppurtunities to grow out of the world he has lived in, I don't understand. I am on the fence about who is to blame, or even if placing a value on attitudes, like blaming them is necessary. It ultimately made me think of myself and the way I waste so much of my life. It makes me sick to think about this. Today I have been greatly humbled by God. I think about my lack of faith to act with decisiveness and passion in regards to things he puts inside of me. One of the most painful things I remember my mom telling me when I was a kid, in regards to somehing stupid like hairstyle or appearance was, "Play the game, son." I remember thinking to myself, "I will never play the game, just cause." I need a reason, yet my idealism has obviously waned in some areas because I see myself becoming passive agressive towards people who stand against the things I feel so passionately about in my heart. I think I am rambling, but I feel like I need to get this stuff down so I can come back and try and understand what is going on. One of my friends recently asked me in an e-mail, "you know anybody can read your blogs right?" Of course, I think part of me loves the idea that I can be naked in thought on my blogs and other people can see it for what it is. I like that I have an outlet to express my insides, and if someone wants to check that out, if nothing else they know how to pray for me. SO there is a digression. So tonight I was leaving the gym and I watched a lady and her son walk out the door in fron tof me, and thought t was beautiful to see her telling her son to look out as he ran towards the curb with velocity. I'm not sure what was so beautiful about it but I just kept thinking about it, and was happy and sad all at once. I think ultimately I am overwhelmed right now with the broken state of man, and watching that mother was love and it was real. It is a commodity. I have no choice but to cling to the only love I know, and the only love any of us can hope in...the cross of Christ. So I just got the new Derek Webb CD--Mockingbird, and think, lyrically, it is very important. So I am gonna transcribe a song. Its called A New Law:

don’t teach me about politics and government
just tell me who to vote for
don’t teach me about truth and beauty
just label my music
don’t teach me how to live like a free man
just give me a new law
i don’t wanna know if the answers aren’t easy
so just bring it down from the mountain to me
i want a new law
i want a new law
gimme that new law
don’t teach me about moderation and liberty
i prefer a shot of grape juice
don’t teach me about loving my enemies
don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit
just give me a new law
what’s the use in trading a law you can never keep
for one you can that cannot get you anything
do not be afraid
do not be afraid
do not be afraid

I think he is using his gift of music to speak truth into all our lives. My prayer is that I let him speak God's truth to my heart. Its getting late, I'm snowboarding early tomorrow. consequently ,out.

Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possessesnot nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

--Khalil Gibran

To whom he is referring most I am uncertain, but there is only one I know who fits this description. Hallelujah.

Playing along

Four jobs you have had in your life:
Checker, Stocker--Piggly Wiggly, Escatawpa MS
Gopher--State Farm Insurance-Moss Point MS
Barista--Wired Bean--FoCo CO
Fence Builder--Sining River Fence Co.--Moss Point MS

Four movies you would watch over and over:
Gross Pointe Blank
Waynes World 2
Oceans 11
September Sessions

Four places you have lived:
Escatawpa, MS
Clinton, MS
Ft. Collins, CO
Positive state of mind

Four TV shows you love to watch:
College Gameday, during college football season
Seinfeld
(Really don't watch much TV)Any Baseball
Friends

Four places you have been on vacation:
Key Largo, FL
San Clemente, CA
Surabaya, Indonesia
West Palm Beach, FL

Four websites I visit daily:
ESPN.com
Hotmail.com
flippin' myspace.com--I can't stop
peeps blogs

Four of my favorite foods:
Good cheeseburgers
Cereal- Special K w/ strawberries, frosted flakes
Most Pizza
An Ed's Special from Ed's drive in Pascagoula, MS

Four places I would rather be right now:
South Florida w/ my homies from college
Any warm beach
nowhere, I dig my world and life
Around my pool at my house in MS, in the summer, with dad working on a car in the shop, classic rock playing on the stereo, josh and Krista home, and Mom bringing out PB and J for lunch.--I'm sentimental.

So the way this works is I tag some fools and make them answer these fun get to know you questions, here go. I tag novelthought, insessions, and bythebeachboy

our disposable world

So I think too much sometimes, the following is one such instance. I've observed that many people, especially people around my age seem to feel an angst about relationships. Most of us live disconnected lives, and when asked feel like we are missing out but, at the same time don't know what to do about it. I'm wondering if this angst and inability to connect is due in some way, shape, for, or fashion to our dependence on the disposable nature of our lives. For example in the past if our TV's broke we would take them to the TV repair guy. Now if they die, we trash them and buy a new one. Eating meals at home was more necessary because eating on the go never really became a comfortable option until the widespread use of fast food franchises and paper products. The flippin' milk used to come in class bottles on the doorstep, now plastic cartons. Pop bottles were worth something, now only to tree-huggin recyclers. Alright so I could continue but I think I have illustrated my thoughts semi-accurately enough. I wonder if our reliance and conditioning to rely on disposable products has caused us to at some level treat most relationships the same way. I know that I could use some help in treating the people I love better. I wonder if one of the reasons I don't call the people I care about more is because of everything in my world being easy to replace. I think this is why porn is such a common struggle with people. Porn is essentially an issue with disposability at the heart of it. Porn allows one to fool themselves into a fake intimacy that requires nothing of them, and in the end they can forget quickly and move on. All the while their souls are being corrupted because they are letting things inside that will never fill the hole that is there. I wonder if the whole disposability thing has caused us to treat human relationships the same. Do we all think that we can easily replace the tings we treasure because we can easily replace almost anything else? I know that in several other areas I have realized I am a product of my conditioning. Perhaps this is one more.

Last night I watched Hotel Rwanda. whoa. I don't really know what to say. It was really heavy. It made me think of the blackness of our hearts. It made me think of my ethnocentrism that I promise doesn't exist. It made me fell the weight of the call of Christ. It hurt to view it from my perspective, much less the way God views it. They said that in the wake of that Massacre over a million corpses were left. Perhaps one of the most interesting things, was the reasons the hatred existed between the factions. They hated each other because of the power one group held at one time, versus who hold the power now. That is worth the lives of thousands. I need to read more. It made me sense the urgency of delivering the Gospel message to our world daily. Who knows the scope the Gospel may have. Just because I cannot go to Rwanda tomorrow does not mean that the gospel could not travel there by any of our faithfulness to share it boldly in our corner of earth. This movie was more weighty than I desired to witness. I felt so much shame for the way I have disregarded justice on earth, and even in my day to day treatment of people. I must love. That is all can say I gues. I must love ferociously.

This post is pretty melancholy, but these are just things I needed to get down before I forgot about them. I'll probably post a second time this week discussing the high points of my trip to Northern California, as well as a manifesto describing how good Brand New's "Deja Entendu" and Derek Webb's "I see things Upside down" CD's are. until, cheers.

musak.

So a friend of mind hooked me up with Derek Webb's "House Show" CD and it rocks. It is him and his guitar and he preaches a ton. It is beautiful. His words are passionate, and the songs are great. So much of this CD is directed at the church and God's romancing of it, as well as our mandate to love the church as well. It is scratching me where I itch. I hope that doesn't sound gross. Why would it? Why am I typing these questions?

The aforementioned friend is my pal Van. I love him. Within a small handful of people in my life I feel I have a soul connection with. Whatever that means. I know what I mean. If he and my sis had never dated and broken up who knows. I think he is probably one of the people that helped me develop a love for music. In addition he hooked me up with a CD called electric Mud. It is Muddy Waters first CD with and electric, and it is bad to the bone. Muddy, by the way is from MS. It is real. That being said I think that is what I like about Derek Webb as well. He is real.

Final note: Julie attempted contact on or near Christmas day via the cell phone to see how I was handling being home post storm. It was a voicemail. I thought it was nice. Perhaps one day we can be pals.

Katrina thoughts

So yesterday was my last day at home on the gulf coast before returning to Colorado. One of the things I had wanted to do in the 2 weeks I was home was drive all the way from Pass Christian to Biloxi along the beach to really get a handle on what happened. The first night I got home I went to the beach and looked for awhile but wore out quick. It was a lot harder to confront all of that than I thought it would be. The whole time I was home people just wanted to talk about the storm. It kept coming up, no matter what we were discussing. It has effected many lives and will continue to do so, I think for many years. As I looked yesterday at a camp that was home to me for three summers on the western end of the gulf coast and saw the damage first hand, I was awestruck. All up the coast it was as if someone took and eraser and just erased everything along the water. It is really hard to articulate all that I felt in regards to the storm. I still get irritable when I hear people not from home talk about everything. I can't really explain why.

I did hear something cool while watching the Sugar Bowl. Former hated Florida GAtor and heisman trophy winner, danny wuerful was talking about a mission he worked with. He is a believer. Anyway he was talking abou tthe effect of the storm on poverty in New Orleans and said that the name Katrina meant cleansing. I thought that was beautiful. After thinking about that as I looked at the houseless foundations, I thought in some ways this was a beautiful thing. We are the ones that decided to take up those spots of earth with our castles. I'm not saying that I don't mourn with compassion, I do. At the same time though it is a great reminder the power of God to make all things new. We've built empires and God can reduce them to rubble in minutes. It is a humbling thought. There is a solemn beauty in that thought. I guess this is all I can communicate about all of this for right now. I am continuing to work through everything.