This is the life I have chosen

So tonight I was thinking about the course of my life. It seems like over the last year of my life God has been orchestrating events in my life in a very specific direction. I know most of anyone reading this, will be thinking, yeah, that is what God does all the time, right, he's God. The answer is yes. I've just been wrestling with the question: is God always speaking as loudly to my heart as it feels he has been over the last several months and I have just done a good job of ignoring him? Or does the very audible leading come and go with seasons and appointments. I think about the Elijah passage and wonder if for too long I've been listening to the storm and earthquake and the whisper has remained constant but ignored. I think this is likely. Maybe the most important thing I could do, is seek to remove all the noise of my life to strip it down to essentials. His voice has come most recently in conversations, music, books, and quiet. I realize that I cannot view monasticism as an oppurutnity to hear his voice...no matter how appealing being a monk is to me. Nevertheless I realize that all of my life on earth is the life of my choosing. I'm not trying to launch into a conversation about election here, but rather the way I spend my time, energy, and resource. Today I spoke with a friend of mine who was telling me about her brother and his struggles with the law, addiction, and life in general. They had a very similar conditioning from youth, which wasn't a healthy upbringing, but nevertheless she has risen from it to faith, and a life of proclaiming it. He on the other hand has shunned several oppurtunities to grow out of the world he has lived in, I don't understand. I am on the fence about who is to blame, or even if placing a value on attitudes, like blaming them is necessary. It ultimately made me think of myself and the way I waste so much of my life. It makes me sick to think about this. Today I have been greatly humbled by God. I think about my lack of faith to act with decisiveness and passion in regards to things he puts inside of me. One of the most painful things I remember my mom telling me when I was a kid, in regards to somehing stupid like hairstyle or appearance was, "Play the game, son." I remember thinking to myself, "I will never play the game, just cause." I need a reason, yet my idealism has obviously waned in some areas because I see myself becoming passive agressive towards people who stand against the things I feel so passionately about in my heart. I think I am rambling, but I feel like I need to get this stuff down so I can come back and try and understand what is going on. One of my friends recently asked me in an e-mail, "you know anybody can read your blogs right?" Of course, I think part of me loves the idea that I can be naked in thought on my blogs and other people can see it for what it is. I like that I have an outlet to express my insides, and if someone wants to check that out, if nothing else they know how to pray for me. SO there is a digression. So tonight I was leaving the gym and I watched a lady and her son walk out the door in fron tof me, and thought t was beautiful to see her telling her son to look out as he ran towards the curb with velocity. I'm not sure what was so beautiful about it but I just kept thinking about it, and was happy and sad all at once. I think ultimately I am overwhelmed right now with the broken state of man, and watching that mother was love and it was real. It is a commodity. I have no choice but to cling to the only love I know, and the only love any of us can hope in...the cross of Christ. So I just got the new Derek Webb CD--Mockingbird, and think, lyrically, it is very important. So I am gonna transcribe a song. Its called A New Law:

don’t teach me about politics and government
just tell me who to vote for
don’t teach me about truth and beauty
just label my music
don’t teach me how to live like a free man
just give me a new law
i don’t wanna know if the answers aren’t easy
so just bring it down from the mountain to me
i want a new law
i want a new law
gimme that new law
don’t teach me about moderation and liberty
i prefer a shot of grape juice
don’t teach me about loving my enemies
don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit
just give me a new law
what’s the use in trading a law you can never keep
for one you can that cannot get you anything
do not be afraid
do not be afraid
do not be afraid

I think he is using his gift of music to speak truth into all our lives. My prayer is that I let him speak God's truth to my heart. Its getting late, I'm snowboarding early tomorrow. consequently ,out.