this morning

so I've been reading through the book of Acts lately and this morning I was blown away by the faith of the apostles. They did not shrink back from fear as they were time and time again told to not speak in Jesus's name. They never seemed to view discomfort as frustrating but rather like breathing. They never seemed to rejoice to long in freedom and release but rather seemed to move on to the next place to preach and share. It is staggering how different my life looks. I view comfort and security as a symbol of God's favor on my life, and view pain and discomfort as judgment. How interesting it is that that doesn't even seem to be in the conciousness of the early church, and furthermore if it is it seems to be reversed, as they rejoiced when they were counted worthy to suffer for the Name.

As I sat behind my big wood desk this morning inside of our church building I felt disgusted. Disgusted at what I my faith has become. My faith is a vehicle to occupation, my faith is a vehicle to programming morality, my faith is an ideology. My faith most often is not a belief in Jesus who is the Christ, the son of God. Faith for me means a whole myriad of things, and most of them seem systemic, rather than transformational and real. I long to be able to think of Christ and let that pervade all I do, I am so restless with turning Jesus into things, instead of letting him be what he is and letting that capture and enrapture me. Andrew, the apostle and Peter's brother said this as he was about to die by execution:

"O cross, most welcome and long looked for! With a willing mind, I joyfully come to you, being the disciple of Him who hung on you...The nearer I come to the cross, the nearer I come to God; and the farther I am from the cross, the farther I remain from God."

For three days he hung on the cross and as long as he could move his tongue said this, "Remain steadfast in the word and doctrine which you have recieved, instructing one another, that you may dwell with God in eternity, and recieve the fruit of his promises."

As I have thought on the promises of his word and the fruit, it is this to be with Christ. Heaven for me wil lnever be streets of gold and the crystal sea, but rather to look long into the eyes of Christ, to hold onto to him and not let go, and to bow before the long hoped for savior of my life. I'm so sick of believing in something so much smaller than the God of the Bible. I'm so sick of wasting much of my life trying to figure out how to entertain people or how to keep this machine going. I long to live. I long to believe and give God the room to show me that he is true. That his word spoke correctly of him, that I really can believe he is bigger than the genie in the bottle, angry judge, kind social worker I make him out to be. Forgive me if I sound brash. What if I believed? What if I really believed it was all true? What if I lived? Am I like Caiaphas who believed in preserving the political stroke and vitality of a nation under Rome he was saving Israel? Sometimes I think of his words of Israel in John 11 as the way I think of the church. I think that sometimes the prosperity and security that has been given to the church here in America is omething I feel like I need to participate in and protect. Sometimes I think I do this because I believe that is salvation, when it seems very clear that the disciples didn't freak out about saving the church when it was scattered for persecution, but rather they just kept going. Sometimes I am frustrated with the wasy I have chosen favor and security over obedience to the voice inside of me. Acts 5; people believed in CHrist not because of the strength of the church but rather because of the way people believed and saw God working. that is strength. tnak you for your mercy father and the gentle way you teach. Forgive my disbelief, and as the official once spoke I believe help my unbelief.