Festivus

This Christmas was really nice. It was full of things that I think I want to capture before they get too far away from my mind. The first and one of the most notable is my grandpa. He has Alzheimer's and it definitely seems to be progressing. In recent visits home I feel terrible but have really avoided being around him. I feel terrible because of it, but I guess it helps me not deal with him being different the less I see him different. However this Christmas break I got to be around him more. In al lseriousness it does feel like hanging out with a stranger. Oddly enough this is probably his sentiment as well. Nevertheless today as we sat in church he told me I used to know all these people here. As we passed by some other churches on the way home he told me he used to preach for people at all those places. He told me of his car, that he used to drive a car like this, maybe the same one. That was cool. Now as I type it makes me sad, but at the time I was happy. It felt like for the first time I could understand the disease. I think initially one of the problems I had with it all was how I could watch him fight what was happening. He would be told things, and react negatively because he wasn't fully concious of what was happening. Now I don't think the old man is there. I think who he was before the disease is like a dream of sorts to him now. Consequently it is the same for me. Whether or not this is accurate or merely my bad observation I do not know, but I do know that I love this man. I love him like I love my grandpa growing up. Every encounter with him reminds of the that statement in the seven ages of man, by Shakespeare I think, "once a man twice a child." I am grateful for having had this encounter and confrontation with what has been going on with my grandpa.

It was also cool hanging with the sibs and nephews and nieces. As my sister has children at breakneck speed, it is fun to watch our family grow. Her life is very different than mine. She is only two years older but is currently pregnant with her 4th kid. She has been married 4 years. She is the total mom. It is something to behold. Anyway back to the chil'ren. It is wild to watch them on CHristmas morning. It is a picture of the same thing that goes on inside of me all the time. The heart never gets its fill of having. The having leads to more wanting, not peace. I know I was the same way when I was young, but nonetheless, it helps me think about my own heart and how broke it is. I contributed by giving them too much, but it is pretty fun buying and shopping for toys. I don't mean to paint them as demons, but merely versions of myself. Even as kids I can already see to quote Crowder, "the depth of our fall, and the weight of it all." All of that aside this Christmas has really brought me to a place of valuing family above all else. As I saw with my own eyes and through the stroies of friends here, the storm was overwhelming. I can't really articulate things. Nevertheless it has reminded me of my blessings. It has helped me to be extremely grateful for all I have and a great reminder to be free of hoping in things. Literally I had friends that lost all of their possessions in a single wave. What aportrait of our everpresent reality. I feel the need to apologize to anyone who may read this beside myself. I am being a huge dork as I type. My brain works like this. I want to type this stuff though, b/c I don't want to wait, and journaling my hand is too cumbersome. So forgive my dramatic and weighty contemplation of nonsense. I gotta talk.

Another thing that is pressing hard upon me, is the punk I have been to my parents growing up. Just being around them and thinkin of all the futile stuff we fought about, and I whined about it overwhelms me. I am unbelievably indebted to them and realize this every time I sit at my home or simply think of them.

There are so many other things that are heavy on me now, but I will refrain from posting them right now, b/c this computer is where my niece is sleeping and she needs to sleep. By the way she is like a human stuffed animal and just loves to be held. That rocks.

One final note. I read the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell this week and it was fascinating. It is all about how we should learn to feed our unconcious and then trust a decision our unconcious makes in a blink. Mainly it is the idea that more information doesn't always mean we have the ability to make a better decision. The book shows some compelling data as to why. It also says we should release ourselvess to trust feeling we have that we can't explain. He says sometimes if we feel a certain way, we should not kill ourselves or discount the idea simply because we can't unpack it fully. Anyway it is all about psychology and interesting.