This is the life I have chosen

So tonight I was thinking about the course of my life. It seems like over the last year of my life God has been orchestrating events in my life in a very specific direction. I know most of anyone reading this, will be thinking, yeah, that is what God does all the time, right, he's God. The answer is yes. I've just been wrestling with the question: is God always speaking as loudly to my heart as it feels he has been over the last several months and I have just done a good job of ignoring him? Or does the very audible leading come and go with seasons and appointments. I think about the Elijah passage and wonder if for too long I've been listening to the storm and earthquake and the whisper has remained constant but ignored. I think this is likely. Maybe the most important thing I could do, is seek to remove all the noise of my life to strip it down to essentials. His voice has come most recently in conversations, music, books, and quiet. I realize that I cannot view monasticism as an oppurutnity to hear his voice...no matter how appealing being a monk is to me. Nevertheless I realize that all of my life on earth is the life of my choosing. I'm not trying to launch into a conversation about election here, but rather the way I spend my time, energy, and resource. Today I spoke with a friend of mine who was telling me about her brother and his struggles with the law, addiction, and life in general. They had a very similar conditioning from youth, which wasn't a healthy upbringing, but nevertheless she has risen from it to faith, and a life of proclaiming it. He on the other hand has shunned several oppurtunities to grow out of the world he has lived in, I don't understand. I am on the fence about who is to blame, or even if placing a value on attitudes, like blaming them is necessary. It ultimately made me think of myself and the way I waste so much of my life. It makes me sick to think about this. Today I have been greatly humbled by God. I think about my lack of faith to act with decisiveness and passion in regards to things he puts inside of me. One of the most painful things I remember my mom telling me when I was a kid, in regards to somehing stupid like hairstyle or appearance was, "Play the game, son." I remember thinking to myself, "I will never play the game, just cause." I need a reason, yet my idealism has obviously waned in some areas because I see myself becoming passive agressive towards people who stand against the things I feel so passionately about in my heart. I think I am rambling, but I feel like I need to get this stuff down so I can come back and try and understand what is going on. One of my friends recently asked me in an e-mail, "you know anybody can read your blogs right?" Of course, I think part of me loves the idea that I can be naked in thought on my blogs and other people can see it for what it is. I like that I have an outlet to express my insides, and if someone wants to check that out, if nothing else they know how to pray for me. SO there is a digression. So tonight I was leaving the gym and I watched a lady and her son walk out the door in fron tof me, and thought t was beautiful to see her telling her son to look out as he ran towards the curb with velocity. I'm not sure what was so beautiful about it but I just kept thinking about it, and was happy and sad all at once. I think ultimately I am overwhelmed right now with the broken state of man, and watching that mother was love and it was real. It is a commodity. I have no choice but to cling to the only love I know, and the only love any of us can hope in...the cross of Christ. So I just got the new Derek Webb CD--Mockingbird, and think, lyrically, it is very important. So I am gonna transcribe a song. Its called A New Law:

don’t teach me about politics and government
just tell me who to vote for
don’t teach me about truth and beauty
just label my music
don’t teach me how to live like a free man
just give me a new law
i don’t wanna know if the answers aren’t easy
so just bring it down from the mountain to me
i want a new law
i want a new law
gimme that new law
don’t teach me about moderation and liberty
i prefer a shot of grape juice
don’t teach me about loving my enemies
don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit
just give me a new law
what’s the use in trading a law you can never keep
for one you can that cannot get you anything
do not be afraid
do not be afraid
do not be afraid

I think he is using his gift of music to speak truth into all our lives. My prayer is that I let him speak God's truth to my heart. Its getting late, I'm snowboarding early tomorrow. consequently ,out.

Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possessesnot nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

--Khalil Gibran

To whom he is referring most I am uncertain, but there is only one I know who fits this description. Hallelujah.

Playing along

Four jobs you have had in your life:
Checker, Stocker--Piggly Wiggly, Escatawpa MS
Gopher--State Farm Insurance-Moss Point MS
Barista--Wired Bean--FoCo CO
Fence Builder--Sining River Fence Co.--Moss Point MS

Four movies you would watch over and over:
Gross Pointe Blank
Waynes World 2
Oceans 11
September Sessions

Four places you have lived:
Escatawpa, MS
Clinton, MS
Ft. Collins, CO
Positive state of mind

Four TV shows you love to watch:
College Gameday, during college football season
Seinfeld
(Really don't watch much TV)Any Baseball
Friends

Four places you have been on vacation:
Key Largo, FL
San Clemente, CA
Surabaya, Indonesia
West Palm Beach, FL

Four websites I visit daily:
ESPN.com
Hotmail.com
flippin' myspace.com--I can't stop
peeps blogs

Four of my favorite foods:
Good cheeseburgers
Cereal- Special K w/ strawberries, frosted flakes
Most Pizza
An Ed's Special from Ed's drive in Pascagoula, MS

Four places I would rather be right now:
South Florida w/ my homies from college
Any warm beach
nowhere, I dig my world and life
Around my pool at my house in MS, in the summer, with dad working on a car in the shop, classic rock playing on the stereo, josh and Krista home, and Mom bringing out PB and J for lunch.--I'm sentimental.

So the way this works is I tag some fools and make them answer these fun get to know you questions, here go. I tag novelthought, insessions, and bythebeachboy

our disposable world

So I think too much sometimes, the following is one such instance. I've observed that many people, especially people around my age seem to feel an angst about relationships. Most of us live disconnected lives, and when asked feel like we are missing out but, at the same time don't know what to do about it. I'm wondering if this angst and inability to connect is due in some way, shape, for, or fashion to our dependence on the disposable nature of our lives. For example in the past if our TV's broke we would take them to the TV repair guy. Now if they die, we trash them and buy a new one. Eating meals at home was more necessary because eating on the go never really became a comfortable option until the widespread use of fast food franchises and paper products. The flippin' milk used to come in class bottles on the doorstep, now plastic cartons. Pop bottles were worth something, now only to tree-huggin recyclers. Alright so I could continue but I think I have illustrated my thoughts semi-accurately enough. I wonder if our reliance and conditioning to rely on disposable products has caused us to at some level treat most relationships the same way. I know that I could use some help in treating the people I love better. I wonder if one of the reasons I don't call the people I care about more is because of everything in my world being easy to replace. I think this is why porn is such a common struggle with people. Porn is essentially an issue with disposability at the heart of it. Porn allows one to fool themselves into a fake intimacy that requires nothing of them, and in the end they can forget quickly and move on. All the while their souls are being corrupted because they are letting things inside that will never fill the hole that is there. I wonder if the whole disposability thing has caused us to treat human relationships the same. Do we all think that we can easily replace the tings we treasure because we can easily replace almost anything else? I know that in several other areas I have realized I am a product of my conditioning. Perhaps this is one more.

Last night I watched Hotel Rwanda. whoa. I don't really know what to say. It was really heavy. It made me think of the blackness of our hearts. It made me think of my ethnocentrism that I promise doesn't exist. It made me fell the weight of the call of Christ. It hurt to view it from my perspective, much less the way God views it. They said that in the wake of that Massacre over a million corpses were left. Perhaps one of the most interesting things, was the reasons the hatred existed between the factions. They hated each other because of the power one group held at one time, versus who hold the power now. That is worth the lives of thousands. I need to read more. It made me sense the urgency of delivering the Gospel message to our world daily. Who knows the scope the Gospel may have. Just because I cannot go to Rwanda tomorrow does not mean that the gospel could not travel there by any of our faithfulness to share it boldly in our corner of earth. This movie was more weighty than I desired to witness. I felt so much shame for the way I have disregarded justice on earth, and even in my day to day treatment of people. I must love. That is all can say I gues. I must love ferociously.

This post is pretty melancholy, but these are just things I needed to get down before I forgot about them. I'll probably post a second time this week discussing the high points of my trip to Northern California, as well as a manifesto describing how good Brand New's "Deja Entendu" and Derek Webb's "I see things Upside down" CD's are. until, cheers.

musak.

So a friend of mind hooked me up with Derek Webb's "House Show" CD and it rocks. It is him and his guitar and he preaches a ton. It is beautiful. His words are passionate, and the songs are great. So much of this CD is directed at the church and God's romancing of it, as well as our mandate to love the church as well. It is scratching me where I itch. I hope that doesn't sound gross. Why would it? Why am I typing these questions?

The aforementioned friend is my pal Van. I love him. Within a small handful of people in my life I feel I have a soul connection with. Whatever that means. I know what I mean. If he and my sis had never dated and broken up who knows. I think he is probably one of the people that helped me develop a love for music. In addition he hooked me up with a CD called electric Mud. It is Muddy Waters first CD with and electric, and it is bad to the bone. Muddy, by the way is from MS. It is real. That being said I think that is what I like about Derek Webb as well. He is real.

Final note: Julie attempted contact on or near Christmas day via the cell phone to see how I was handling being home post storm. It was a voicemail. I thought it was nice. Perhaps one day we can be pals.

Katrina thoughts

So yesterday was my last day at home on the gulf coast before returning to Colorado. One of the things I had wanted to do in the 2 weeks I was home was drive all the way from Pass Christian to Biloxi along the beach to really get a handle on what happened. The first night I got home I went to the beach and looked for awhile but wore out quick. It was a lot harder to confront all of that than I thought it would be. The whole time I was home people just wanted to talk about the storm. It kept coming up, no matter what we were discussing. It has effected many lives and will continue to do so, I think for many years. As I looked yesterday at a camp that was home to me for three summers on the western end of the gulf coast and saw the damage first hand, I was awestruck. All up the coast it was as if someone took and eraser and just erased everything along the water. It is really hard to articulate all that I felt in regards to the storm. I still get irritable when I hear people not from home talk about everything. I can't really explain why.

I did hear something cool while watching the Sugar Bowl. Former hated Florida GAtor and heisman trophy winner, danny wuerful was talking about a mission he worked with. He is a believer. Anyway he was talking abou tthe effect of the storm on poverty in New Orleans and said that the name Katrina meant cleansing. I thought that was beautiful. After thinking about that as I looked at the houseless foundations, I thought in some ways this was a beautiful thing. We are the ones that decided to take up those spots of earth with our castles. I'm not saying that I don't mourn with compassion, I do. At the same time though it is a great reminder the power of God to make all things new. We've built empires and God can reduce them to rubble in minutes. It is a humbling thought. There is a solemn beauty in that thought. I guess this is all I can communicate about all of this for right now. I am continuing to work through everything.