I think its wierd how closed into my own world I can get. It is really easy for me to get into a routine with my life, and the more into my life I get, the more things in my past fade away. For example I have been in Clinton, MS the past couple of days and been kicking it with my friends. As we drive around I have forgotten how to get around. Although I lived here for the better part of four years, things from my past seem to feel a bit like a dream more than a reality. I guess in a lot of ways I feel like so much stuff has happened in the 2 1/2 years since I left this place it is easy for me to compartmentalize that part of my life. The relationships haven't changed. Hanging with my friends is still like it used to be thankfully. However everything else feels different. I guess when I get into such a rhythm with the way my life flows in Colorado, anything different feels like an eternity away even though it has been much more brief. So anyway enough with circle speech.
It seems that somedays I do wish to be back here at MC in college in the dorms with my buddies close by, but now I've realized all I miss are relationships and memories. College itself was merely a vehicle for those two things. Moving back home, or being back in school are not the answers, its simply hanging onto and growing the relationships I have. I feel like crap for not talking to my friends more. I can see how it is hard for people to hear me say they are dear to me, and then ignore them for a couple of months. It is true, but I realize, especially after being with them, that the best thing I can do if they are dear to me, is love them with a lot of action as well, if nfor no other reason than to serve them as my pals. I am so blessed to have shared life with so many wonderful people. Last night I played touch football in the quad of MC with 3 pals until 1 in the morning. THAT is beautiful. They are all so good to me.
This is far more sappy than I intended and I know some of them are gonna read this, so at the risk of being a huge dork I will stop. Much love if any of you are reading this.
On a lighter note as my friend and former live in life partner Jason played Pearl Jam songs on the guitar last night I realized how much I freaking love them. I think I could still play any of their CD's and listen all the way through and love every minute of it just like I could in ninth grade. I think that is why I dig them and will fight with anyone and say unashamedly that they are the best and most important band of my generation. They have shaped the way I listen to rock and roll, and probable are one of the reasons I love it so much. This post is getting monotonous and I am wearing myself out, so I can't even imagine what it is like for some who may read this garbage.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Festivus
This Christmas was really nice. It was full of things that I think I want to capture before they get too far away from my mind. The first and one of the most notable is my grandpa. He has Alzheimer's and it definitely seems to be progressing. In recent visits home I feel terrible but have really avoided being around him. I feel terrible because of it, but I guess it helps me not deal with him being different the less I see him different. However this Christmas break I got to be around him more. In al lseriousness it does feel like hanging out with a stranger. Oddly enough this is probably his sentiment as well. Nevertheless today as we sat in church he told me I used to know all these people here. As we passed by some other churches on the way home he told me he used to preach for people at all those places. He told me of his car, that he used to drive a car like this, maybe the same one. That was cool. Now as I type it makes me sad, but at the time I was happy. It felt like for the first time I could understand the disease. I think initially one of the problems I had with it all was how I could watch him fight what was happening. He would be told things, and react negatively because he wasn't fully concious of what was happening. Now I don't think the old man is there. I think who he was before the disease is like a dream of sorts to him now. Consequently it is the same for me. Whether or not this is accurate or merely my bad observation I do not know, but I do know that I love this man. I love him like I love my grandpa growing up. Every encounter with him reminds of the that statement in the seven ages of man, by Shakespeare I think, "once a man twice a child." I am grateful for having had this encounter and confrontation with what has been going on with my grandpa.
It was also cool hanging with the sibs and nephews and nieces. As my sister has children at breakneck speed, it is fun to watch our family grow. Her life is very different than mine. She is only two years older but is currently pregnant with her 4th kid. She has been married 4 years. She is the total mom. It is something to behold. Anyway back to the chil'ren. It is wild to watch them on CHristmas morning. It is a picture of the same thing that goes on inside of me all the time. The heart never gets its fill of having. The having leads to more wanting, not peace. I know I was the same way when I was young, but nonetheless, it helps me think about my own heart and how broke it is. I contributed by giving them too much, but it is pretty fun buying and shopping for toys. I don't mean to paint them as demons, but merely versions of myself. Even as kids I can already see to quote Crowder, "the depth of our fall, and the weight of it all." All of that aside this Christmas has really brought me to a place of valuing family above all else. As I saw with my own eyes and through the stroies of friends here, the storm was overwhelming. I can't really articulate things. Nevertheless it has reminded me of my blessings. It has helped me to be extremely grateful for all I have and a great reminder to be free of hoping in things. Literally I had friends that lost all of their possessions in a single wave. What aportrait of our everpresent reality. I feel the need to apologize to anyone who may read this beside myself. I am being a huge dork as I type. My brain works like this. I want to type this stuff though, b/c I don't want to wait, and journaling my hand is too cumbersome. So forgive my dramatic and weighty contemplation of nonsense. I gotta talk.
Another thing that is pressing hard upon me, is the punk I have been to my parents growing up. Just being around them and thinkin of all the futile stuff we fought about, and I whined about it overwhelms me. I am unbelievably indebted to them and realize this every time I sit at my home or simply think of them.
There are so many other things that are heavy on me now, but I will refrain from posting them right now, b/c this computer is where my niece is sleeping and she needs to sleep. By the way she is like a human stuffed animal and just loves to be held. That rocks.
One final note. I read the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell this week and it was fascinating. It is all about how we should learn to feed our unconcious and then trust a decision our unconcious makes in a blink. Mainly it is the idea that more information doesn't always mean we have the ability to make a better decision. The book shows some compelling data as to why. It also says we should release ourselvess to trust feeling we have that we can't explain. He says sometimes if we feel a certain way, we should not kill ourselves or discount the idea simply because we can't unpack it fully. Anyway it is all about psychology and interesting.
It was also cool hanging with the sibs and nephews and nieces. As my sister has children at breakneck speed, it is fun to watch our family grow. Her life is very different than mine. She is only two years older but is currently pregnant with her 4th kid. She has been married 4 years. She is the total mom. It is something to behold. Anyway back to the chil'ren. It is wild to watch them on CHristmas morning. It is a picture of the same thing that goes on inside of me all the time. The heart never gets its fill of having. The having leads to more wanting, not peace. I know I was the same way when I was young, but nonetheless, it helps me think about my own heart and how broke it is. I contributed by giving them too much, but it is pretty fun buying and shopping for toys. I don't mean to paint them as demons, but merely versions of myself. Even as kids I can already see to quote Crowder, "the depth of our fall, and the weight of it all." All of that aside this Christmas has really brought me to a place of valuing family above all else. As I saw with my own eyes and through the stroies of friends here, the storm was overwhelming. I can't really articulate things. Nevertheless it has reminded me of my blessings. It has helped me to be extremely grateful for all I have and a great reminder to be free of hoping in things. Literally I had friends that lost all of their possessions in a single wave. What aportrait of our everpresent reality. I feel the need to apologize to anyone who may read this beside myself. I am being a huge dork as I type. My brain works like this. I want to type this stuff though, b/c I don't want to wait, and journaling my hand is too cumbersome. So forgive my dramatic and weighty contemplation of nonsense. I gotta talk.
Another thing that is pressing hard upon me, is the punk I have been to my parents growing up. Just being around them and thinkin of all the futile stuff we fought about, and I whined about it overwhelms me. I am unbelievably indebted to them and realize this every time I sit at my home or simply think of them.
There are so many other things that are heavy on me now, but I will refrain from posting them right now, b/c this computer is where my niece is sleeping and she needs to sleep. By the way she is like a human stuffed animal and just loves to be held. That rocks.
One final note. I read the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell this week and it was fascinating. It is all about how we should learn to feed our unconcious and then trust a decision our unconcious makes in a blink. Mainly it is the idea that more information doesn't always mean we have the ability to make a better decision. The book shows some compelling data as to why. It also says we should release ourselvess to trust feeling we have that we can't explain. He says sometimes if we feel a certain way, we should not kill ourselves or discount the idea simply because we can't unpack it fully. Anyway it is all about psychology and interesting.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Bumper Sticker Heaven
One of the things I love about living in Northern Colorado is all of the sweet bumper stickers you see when you drive around town. For example if you see an old Subaru, you definitely want to pull in behind it, for the mere pleasure of reading all the really sweet bumper stickers. So for whatever reason, one of my favorites has been on my mind, and I've been thinking about it alot. By the way, most of the stickers are from hippy type folks that I dig. Here is my favorite one up to this point:
Bare Feet, Not Arms.
Word. I'm thinking about adopting it as my motto or something, but then I think everyone back home will think I have completely gone over the edge. Maybe I have, I don't know (and if the world is a circle how can we go over the edge anyway). Anyway I wanted to make sure to post this before I forgot about it. Its not that I don't dig the BIll of Rights and my attempts at hunting, I just like th eimage that comes into my head of being barefoot in some green grass, instead of clutching a weapon. I don't want to get utopian here so at the risk, of sounding trite. out.
BY the way I feel that I should note that this not the stuff I was planning on writing aforementioned in the previous post, this is just what came out.
Bare Feet, Not Arms.
Word. I'm thinking about adopting it as my motto or something, but then I think everyone back home will think I have completely gone over the edge. Maybe I have, I don't know (and if the world is a circle how can we go over the edge anyway). Anyway I wanted to make sure to post this before I forgot about it. Its not that I don't dig the BIll of Rights and my attempts at hunting, I just like th eimage that comes into my head of being barefoot in some green grass, instead of clutching a weapon. I don't want to get utopian here so at the risk, of sounding trite. out.
BY the way I feel that I should note that this not the stuff I was planning on writing aforementioned in the previous post, this is just what came out.
Narnia and other stuff
On Tuesday night Vinnie and I went and saw The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. I thought they did a great job with the movie. I really got into the chronicles of narnia last summer, and they were unbelievable. After about four weeks of reading the books, I would see animals and hope they woud talk to me. I felt like I understood Narnia, and was really sucked into the fantasy of the books. I realize this makes me a nerd, but I think I'd dig living in a world with talking animals. But then again, if animals could talk we'd probably have a lot of guilt we'd have to deal with when we eat them, leash them, domesticate them, destroy their homes for subdivisions. At the risk of launching into a hippy, Peta sounding rant I will let that issue rest. Nevertheless the movie was good. Three things perplexed me after watching it though.
Issue One:
Liam Neesan(or however it is spelt) did Aslan's voice. No offense to Liam, I think he is an allright actor, no one could do that character Justice. Aslan is painted in such a (pardon the silly, dramatic, word) majestic light in the book that no human rendering of him visually or audibly could do him justice. SO at the risk of whining I am trying to force myself to come up with an alternative voice for THE lion. The best answer I could come up with was the voice over guy for NFL films. Not Steve Sabol, the produceer and guy that wears a sweater and introduces each film. The narrator who speaks when they are showing the Purple People eaters, or 1998 Falcons team. That guy has a commanding voice. So there is issue number one.
Issue two:
The beavers had british accents. I could not really discover any intelligible reason for this. One could guess because CS was, but then for that matter why don't all the other animals have British accents as well. It seems that any time you do a movie from a past time, someone inadvertently has to have a British accent. Thats frustrating. (By the way why don't we ever say advertently. It seems we only use the negative, and that doesn't seem fair.) Nevertheless I guess the candy apple answer is they are British, because in their world like ours people have different accents based on their geography. I do think answer is too simple though.
Issue Three:
I thought the white witch was hot. This is probably the most disconcerting of the three issues I had with the film. Those dreads in her hair were amazing. Geez I'm sad. The problem I have with thinking the white witch was hot, is that she is the devil. I mean I know lucifer was the most beautiful of angels, so much that it was a point of pride, but I don't want to like him for that. Half the time when she was doing terrible things in the movie, all I could think about was wanting to hold her hand, and touch her dreads. Alright this is getting creepy, and people actually read this, so I'll bring this to a close quickly. Anyway I guess I should explore what thinking the white witch was hot means about my soul, or just forget and think about the Braves and Rockies chances next year. (By the way the Rockies made some excellent moves in the Winter meetings, and I think we are one veteran power bat away from 80 wins next year. Believe that.)
So this is what I got. I might post later today because I have a lot of random crap I want to verbalize, b/c I'm tired of having it inside.
Issue One:
Liam Neesan(or however it is spelt) did Aslan's voice. No offense to Liam, I think he is an allright actor, no one could do that character Justice. Aslan is painted in such a (pardon the silly, dramatic, word) majestic light in the book that no human rendering of him visually or audibly could do him justice. SO at the risk of whining I am trying to force myself to come up with an alternative voice for THE lion. The best answer I could come up with was the voice over guy for NFL films. Not Steve Sabol, the produceer and guy that wears a sweater and introduces each film. The narrator who speaks when they are showing the Purple People eaters, or 1998 Falcons team. That guy has a commanding voice. So there is issue number one.
Issue two:
The beavers had british accents. I could not really discover any intelligible reason for this. One could guess because CS was, but then for that matter why don't all the other animals have British accents as well. It seems that any time you do a movie from a past time, someone inadvertently has to have a British accent. Thats frustrating. (By the way why don't we ever say advertently. It seems we only use the negative, and that doesn't seem fair.) Nevertheless I guess the candy apple answer is they are British, because in their world like ours people have different accents based on their geography. I do think answer is too simple though.
Issue Three:
I thought the white witch was hot. This is probably the most disconcerting of the three issues I had with the film. Those dreads in her hair were amazing. Geez I'm sad. The problem I have with thinking the white witch was hot, is that she is the devil. I mean I know lucifer was the most beautiful of angels, so much that it was a point of pride, but I don't want to like him for that. Half the time when she was doing terrible things in the movie, all I could think about was wanting to hold her hand, and touch her dreads. Alright this is getting creepy, and people actually read this, so I'll bring this to a close quickly. Anyway I guess I should explore what thinking the white witch was hot means about my soul, or just forget and think about the Braves and Rockies chances next year. (By the way the Rockies made some excellent moves in the Winter meetings, and I think we are one veteran power bat away from 80 wins next year. Believe that.)
So this is what I got. I might post later today because I have a lot of random crap I want to verbalize, b/c I'm tired of having it inside.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)