girl stuff

So on Saturday, Nov. 19, Julie and I broke up. Its hard for me to process this all really, and quite frankly I'm tired of talking to people about it. Everyone wants to know whats going on, and its hard for me to verbalize. The long and the short of it is this--At one point I thought this was it, and recently(2 months) I have thought otherwise. I can't really explain all of the things that have led to our relationship chilling, except it didn't feel right. At times I think I am too much the hopeless romantic to be able to successfully judge whether or not my reality is what it should be. I know I hurt her. For that I feel a lot of sorrow. Of course, it was never my intent but as mom always said, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Nevertheless in the days since the break up I have felt like this is still th eright move. I've wanted to call her, but figure I should just leave her for now. She went home for Thanksgiving to be with family. I think if I call right now it will do more harm than good. I feel like a heel everytime I think about this situation.

I do not know why I am so reluctant to believe that our relationship was right, and I'm so tired of all of the people around me's cliches about love and stuff. Everyone has something to say, but I've determined that nothing is normative in this regard, therefore the idea that what works for someone else might work for me, is foolish. I think we are all too different for that. Maybe I'm too young. I thought it would be good and healthy for me to blog about all this, so as to verbalize some stuff and capture the emotion of this moment, however the emotion is---numb. I don't even know if numb is an emotion. I know I hate doing this to girls. I had coffee with a friend this morning who seemed to be trying to convince me that I was supposed to be with Julie. I think I was defensive about that for some reason. Is it pride or truth? Anyway I'll come back when I am further removed from the situation.

Last night I met with an ordination council and it was fun. It was a room of guys I love and respect letting me answer questions of theology and fun stuff like that. It is nice being forced to weigh in on things like that from time to time I think. The men involved were: Brad Gilliland, Kelly Wheat, Jim "The Miz" Mislowski, Jim McCormick, Andy Stuart, Alan Karr, and Dave Karr. It was such a blessing to be a part of the event and a real confimation that GOd wants to use me in this capacity. I feel like I am spent right now so I will stop to read the Word.