the vagrant gypsy life

So yesterday one of my friends included this poem in an e-mail they sent me and it took me back. I memorized this in the ninth grade, when we had learn a poem for our english class and share it. It was a blessing hearing it again, so I want to put it here so I don't lose it again

Sea Fever
By: John Masefield

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely seas and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

So thats it, I think I am a sap for loving such things, but I'm glad I have that poem again, I've always remembered parts, and now I have the whole. I want the vagrant gypsy life a bit too much I think. We is what we is.

I'm too practical

So apparently Julie and I are not gonna talk for a while. This message became glaringly clear yesterday when I recieved a piece of mail from her. It was a simple note attached to a four pass I had given her, saying I probably can't use this so you should share it with someone else, Have a good thanksgiving. It was sent via the US postal service. I guess that is a pretty clear piece of communication. I'm not sure what I was expecting as far as our relationship, post coupledom, but I had at least hoped we would be pals. One of my friends said that if I care about Julie than I shouldn't talk to her until after Christmas. So whatever. I guess I have to aceept this as the consequences of my actions. The flippin USPS. Anyway I digress. I just think it is a shame we cannot even speak a sentence to each other. But all in all I do want whatever is best for her, because I think I have probably hurt her enough for one man. Thus I'll drift quietly out of her life, or whatever and hope that one day we can be pals. So I think I am too pratical because I actually believe we should be able to be friends, or at least cordial acquaintances in spite of our past. SO I'll squash that, and quote the words that frustrated me yesterday, when a friend told me what they had told my former pal Julie, "You don't cut your arm off with a butter knife, thats too painful, you have to chop it off at once." Geez I need to quit being so pissed.

I bought Talib Kweli-- The Beautiful Struggle, yesterday and I really dig it. He is a rapper that actually says something. He's not rapping for hos or money, but rather to preach. I like that. I'm wrestling with a thought about him though. He cusses a lot. I usually dismiss most people who use a lot of profanity as inarticulate and probably unintelligent, however with him it is different. I think he is pretty articulate, and intelligent. It got me thinking he uses these words because they are his words. He is from the streets of New York, and I can't help but wonder does he speak this way for the same reason I say something is money when it is good. SO no doubt about it I am attempting to rationalize why I should let my mind consume his language, but this has just left me thinking. He talks about God a lot. Not in the same way Tupac would talk about God after killing someone. He talks about God like he knows him and talks to him. Maybe I'm a sucker. Probably I am a sucker.

girl stuff

So on Saturday, Nov. 19, Julie and I broke up. Its hard for me to process this all really, and quite frankly I'm tired of talking to people about it. Everyone wants to know whats going on, and its hard for me to verbalize. The long and the short of it is this--At one point I thought this was it, and recently(2 months) I have thought otherwise. I can't really explain all of the things that have led to our relationship chilling, except it didn't feel right. At times I think I am too much the hopeless romantic to be able to successfully judge whether or not my reality is what it should be. I know I hurt her. For that I feel a lot of sorrow. Of course, it was never my intent but as mom always said, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Nevertheless in the days since the break up I have felt like this is still th eright move. I've wanted to call her, but figure I should just leave her for now. She went home for Thanksgiving to be with family. I think if I call right now it will do more harm than good. I feel like a heel everytime I think about this situation.

I do not know why I am so reluctant to believe that our relationship was right, and I'm so tired of all of the people around me's cliches about love and stuff. Everyone has something to say, but I've determined that nothing is normative in this regard, therefore the idea that what works for someone else might work for me, is foolish. I think we are all too different for that. Maybe I'm too young. I thought it would be good and healthy for me to blog about all this, so as to verbalize some stuff and capture the emotion of this moment, however the emotion is---numb. I don't even know if numb is an emotion. I know I hate doing this to girls. I had coffee with a friend this morning who seemed to be trying to convince me that I was supposed to be with Julie. I think I was defensive about that for some reason. Is it pride or truth? Anyway I'll come back when I am further removed from the situation.

Last night I met with an ordination council and it was fun. It was a room of guys I love and respect letting me answer questions of theology and fun stuff like that. It is nice being forced to weigh in on things like that from time to time I think. The men involved were: Brad Gilliland, Kelly Wheat, Jim "The Miz" Mislowski, Jim McCormick, Andy Stuart, Alan Karr, and Dave Karr. It was such a blessing to be a part of the event and a real confimation that GOd wants to use me in this capacity. I feel like I am spent right now so I will stop to read the Word.

In the words of Hootie...

So yet another week is here, and I again am left scratching my head in regards to what I need to say.

IN the words of Hootie and the BFish--"Ti--ii--ime why do you punish me?"

It seems like lately life is moving so quickly. I think the structured nature of my week, (IE-MOnday 6:30-7:30 mtg, 8:30-10:30 mtg, 11:00-12:30 travel to sem, 1-6 class, 6:30-9:30 class, and so on), helps it move along at an extremely quick pace. It feels like the week only lasts 3 days. I can remember when I was younger how summer felt like forever and most of the time I think it was because as a kid in the summer there was little more than eating PBJ by the pool and doing yardwork with mom. I guess the question I am asking in a very convaluted way is: Does our schedule and activity make our life's pace seem faster than it should be? I know the speed of life does not change (perhaps infinitesimally other course of thousands of years), based on revolutions and rotation of the earth and what not, but I wonder if we can decide how we will live that time and thereby control how fleeting or sluggish it feels?

A friend of mine named Jerry who is in his fifties said that the last 20 years of his life felt like 2 weeks. This made me want to shoot myself in the face. I am not afraid to die. Matter of fact, most days I think being with Christ is something I long for far more than getting out of bed. I'm not depressed I just understand whats better. That said, I do think that if God wants me to live in this place for seventy years, I am in no rush to be 50. I wonder if there something I can do to savor this short time that we have. Geez this circular thought that is doing nothing more than stealing the time I have. Perhaps I should just heed the words of Mason Jennings and, "live in the moment with these friends of mine." This is why I like and dislike this online journaling bit. It will be fun seeing where I was in the future, but right now reading it makes me want to puke.

out.

one mo gan

So as I sit here, I am frustrated that I did not spend some time typing last week. I had several ideas I meant to capture, but because I did not type them, I am at a loss. I want to post so rather than post anything of substance, I will post about my lack of such substance. Nevertheless here are a few things I want to remember:

Sat., Nov. 5, Miami dismantled Va. Tech, 27-7. It was beautiful.

Thurs., Nov.3, Julie and I had a convo about the state of our relationship and arrived at the conclusion that we were not both in the same place, but nevertheless we would try to continue as usual and figure it out as we go along.

Wed., Nov.2, bought, started, and am enjoying a new book by Chuck Klosterman: sex, Drugs, and cocoa Puffs. It is a book of essays about stuff and is hilarious. However I think his ideas effect me perhaps more than they should. HIs essays on fake love(title has something to do with emo) and the sims were hilarious and insightful.

Tues., Nov.1, attended a collegiate church planting summit and wondered why we find formulas so comforting and appealing. Are we lazy? Are we greedy? Are we cowards? Am I melodramatic?yes.

MOn., Oct. 31, thought of a Beastie Boys line, "October 31st is my day of the birth." Mike D. This is singlehandedly one of the most powerful musical quotes I have heard, and it has shaped me, that is all I can say. Found out I aced my Greek Midterm...what, what!

Alright so an exciting life worth typing about in a nutshell. I feel cliche as I blog, but...