Old Song, still listening

Not the land--Caedmon's Call

So many miles behind
Still I drive with the pedal down
I was off the map hours back
It's beneath the seat, I think
It's with two pennies and a match
And something else, I can't remember
But in the time that it would take to fish it out
I'll be another mile gone
And I feel so wrong
Trying to feel right
In light of all the things I've passed
You'd think that I'd have learned

This is not the land was promised me
Even as far as my eyes can see
I'm so wound up, Lord, I can't even breathe
And I don't want words, I just want some peace
Some peace, some peace

It seems I've misplaced my faith
'Cause it's 11:12, and nothing's changed
Well, nothing except the channel I'm afraid
And the number there
No, it's the same
Oh, this must be the savior of the month
And what I must have
Where's the night gone?
'Cause I'm so tired and out of shape
You've gotta get me up
But I can't get up today
'Cause it's been so long
Since I've felt right
All the rote, rehearsal, proof
You'd think that I'd have learned

This is not the land was promised me
Even as far as my eyes can see
I'm so wound up, Lord, I can't even breathe
And I don't want words, I just want some peace
Some peace, some peace

Break me, break me, break me
This is not the land was promised me
Gotta get out of bed, get something to read
And I gotta feed my brother, not my eyes
If not, then I'll be all I despise

this morning

so I've been reading through the book of Acts lately and this morning I was blown away by the faith of the apostles. They did not shrink back from fear as they were time and time again told to not speak in Jesus's name. They never seemed to view discomfort as frustrating but rather like breathing. They never seemed to rejoice to long in freedom and release but rather seemed to move on to the next place to preach and share. It is staggering how different my life looks. I view comfort and security as a symbol of God's favor on my life, and view pain and discomfort as judgment. How interesting it is that that doesn't even seem to be in the conciousness of the early church, and furthermore if it is it seems to be reversed, as they rejoiced when they were counted worthy to suffer for the Name.

As I sat behind my big wood desk this morning inside of our church building I felt disgusted. Disgusted at what I my faith has become. My faith is a vehicle to occupation, my faith is a vehicle to programming morality, my faith is an ideology. My faith most often is not a belief in Jesus who is the Christ, the son of God. Faith for me means a whole myriad of things, and most of them seem systemic, rather than transformational and real. I long to be able to think of Christ and let that pervade all I do, I am so restless with turning Jesus into things, instead of letting him be what he is and letting that capture and enrapture me. Andrew, the apostle and Peter's brother said this as he was about to die by execution:

"O cross, most welcome and long looked for! With a willing mind, I joyfully come to you, being the disciple of Him who hung on you...The nearer I come to the cross, the nearer I come to God; and the farther I am from the cross, the farther I remain from God."

For three days he hung on the cross and as long as he could move his tongue said this, "Remain steadfast in the word and doctrine which you have recieved, instructing one another, that you may dwell with God in eternity, and recieve the fruit of his promises."

As I have thought on the promises of his word and the fruit, it is this to be with Christ. Heaven for me wil lnever be streets of gold and the crystal sea, but rather to look long into the eyes of Christ, to hold onto to him and not let go, and to bow before the long hoped for savior of my life. I'm so sick of believing in something so much smaller than the God of the Bible. I'm so sick of wasting much of my life trying to figure out how to entertain people or how to keep this machine going. I long to live. I long to believe and give God the room to show me that he is true. That his word spoke correctly of him, that I really can believe he is bigger than the genie in the bottle, angry judge, kind social worker I make him out to be. Forgive me if I sound brash. What if I believed? What if I really believed it was all true? What if I lived? Am I like Caiaphas who believed in preserving the political stroke and vitality of a nation under Rome he was saving Israel? Sometimes I think of his words of Israel in John 11 as the way I think of the church. I think that sometimes the prosperity and security that has been given to the church here in America is omething I feel like I need to participate in and protect. Sometimes I think I do this because I believe that is salvation, when it seems very clear that the disciples didn't freak out about saving the church when it was scattered for persecution, but rather they just kept going. Sometimes I am frustrated with the wasy I have chosen favor and security over obedience to the voice inside of me. Acts 5; people believed in CHrist not because of the strength of the church but rather because of the way people believed and saw God working. that is strength. tnak you for your mercy father and the gentle way you teach. Forgive my disbelief, and as the official once spoke I believe help my unbelief.

ramble on...

The past year I've been thinking about leadership alot. It is a powerful thing. To quote from Remember the titans, "attitude reflect leadership." I think this is very clear. Often times a leader makes an organization into their own image whether conciously or unconciously. For whatever reason there are always people who wish to follow regardless of where they find themselves. It seems that at times leaders are given credibility simply by nature of position or personality rather than connecting with people. People connect with them. SO I know this all really ambiguous, but I guess I'm just trying to articulate the idea that Leadership is important, and its impact on an organization is great whether it chooses to make an impact or not. There is no idle time for leadership. If a leader chooses to do nothing, then they are actually doing something to the organization that they are serving. This has made me A) recognize how amazing the leadership of CHrist was--constantly doing what was perhaps unexpected but never being inconsistent; and B)understand the responsibility of leading. If one is given leadership we do not have the option of doing nothing, because whether we desire it or not people will follow our lead.

SOme other stuff in the light years since my last post. Sarah and I are still dating, and it is a ton of fun. Tonight we're gonna see Death Cab at the Fillmore. I quit my job, and am taking a simple church planting job to the ski peeps in summit county colorado. It was way time for me to go, and God gave me a disticnt call to go. Perhaps in future posts I'll reflect more on the lessons learned in the last year of ministry and my experiences at ICC. At this time I think it is important for there to be a bit more distance. All in all my life is in an exciting transition phase. Its all adventure, I never know where its gonna go, please pray for me as I go. There are still mor eunknowns about where I am heading than knows. Nevertheless God has already shown himself to be more than faithful in caring for my needs. Like the Irish proverb, "may the road rise to meet you, may the wind always be at your back, and may God hold you in the palm of his hand." I feel that. Where could I go from your presence? He is always benevolent and working, I pray for eyes to see and a heart to believe.